Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Dream of Being Lost - Part III

Image result for desteni I process
In continuing from “Dream of Being Lost - Part 2”, looking deeper into the points of addiction, while including freedom and control into the mix, I am pushing myself to see in my physical living application to what extent I am able to right  or align myself better to what is best for the physical body, what is best for all.

In relation to alcohol consumption, a sticking point within me that has to do with my past unwillingness to give up my freedom or right to choose to walk and live as I please, my feeling or justification had always been, if I’m not hurting anyone else with my doings, why should I not be free to do as I please? However, in reviewing this particular design, I begin to see, realize and understand via my physical body additional issues relating to alcohol consumption that are getting more difficult to deny. Specifically, there is a point of personal expansion that I have been denying myself, as in the possibility of changing to become what I have been unable to perceive in my imagination. I guess this is because real change as in the expansion of self-expression comes about from walking through the mind, outside of the parameters of its design, thereby presenting us with a wall of darkness that must be walked into and through in order to realize and understand -beyond one’s imagination- the possibilities of self expansion. This unknown of that which does not yet exist is an example I guess of a point of opportunity somewhere in the darkness, like a wall that one must walk into and through to realize our potential by creating the new opportunity by living the unknown.

So, here I am again looking at this pattern/addiction of alcohol consumption. All the energy inside of me is screaming that I should argue for my rights, my freedom to choose, that all I need to do is organize the words and I’ll win the argument for sure. However, another part of me says I’ve done that before and it’s the wrong way to go - winning battles to win a war never manifested me as anything better than I was before. I understand this for sure because I’ve been there before, down that road as the saying goes and it leads nowhere. The way to go, as dark as it seems is easy to see, just walk straight into and through the resistance called energy. Perhaps it is like going into freezing cold water wherein the easiest way is sometimes to jump right in. Herein, let’s have a look a freedom within control.

Interestingly, I've always had issues with this point of freedom as opposed to being caged in and controlled. Within me, there has been so much resistance to changing. It’s an insistence that I maintain (and fight for if need be) my freedom to choose how I live. This resistance as it relates to my right to freely enjoy my beer while sitting outside on a sunny day is a point of self-definition located somewhere in between polarities of freedom and control that I’ve created within me and struggled with for some time. It is a stubbornness justified in the name of freedom. From my point of view, I ought to be able to do anything, as long as it’s from the starting-point of self-expression or self expansion that harms none. That being said, here's the physical reality stating that excessive consumption of alcohol or anything else for that matter is harmful to me. Thus, I realize I must design and live some compromises and this is where Jack, Joe and Veno's Freedom Within Control comes in. Thus, I will focus on this point, writing it out until I’ve resolved it. Additionally, I’m going to do something that I rarely do. I’m going to continue posting these writings on the internet. Why? Because I have come to realize that, eliminating the secrecy of a point that I am working on changing is ninety percent (and sometimes more) of the resistance to living the change. In other words, ninety to ninety-nine percent of the resistance to self-change is created and stored within and as the energy of resistance defined as a fear of exposing one’s weakness, which more than not is actually the harboring of the secret itself. Thus, in exposing one’s secrets, one of the biggest aspects of resistance is often eliminated, leaving the being free to focus on designing and living the change. Furthermore, as an addiction is an addiction, whether it be to alcohol, pornagraphy, masterbation, video games, tabbacco, sugar or other drugs, perhaps a description of this part of my process will assist others. That being said, there is much more that I care to say about the technical aspects of my perspective of the addiction energy entity, but at some point I’ve gotta address the self forgiveness, as this is another point of resistance within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to choose to live my life without considering what is best for the universe of my physical body equally as one with all of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as “the freedom to choose” within my parameters of my perceptions, rather than the freedom to choose and decide to expand beyond my perceptions of limitations in each moment of expression  wherein I push through the walls of resistance to expand beyond my perception based routines and habits.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up points of addiction and putting them out on the internet for fear of exposing who I am and how I’ve been “in secret” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the biggest problem within and as myself and the rest of humanity isn’t necessarily an addiction to this or that, but an addiction to the point of secrecy itself. Herein, I now realize that, real change begins with the unveiling/elimination of my secrets. And with writing out that, much of the energy of resistance within me just dissipated.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, what I perceive I like is the best I am able to be, better than the unknown or that which I am unable to perceive.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the lie of believing that it’s better to be dishonest and be perceived as living righteously and having integrity, than it is to  live honestly within/as the integrity of standing honestly as who I am without righteousness. From this point, I commit to live honestly as I am in my process of eliminating the dishonesties/secrets, while pushing myself to change for the better with the primary goal of standing as a point of integrity on the path to understanding oneness, equality and what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should present a picture of myself as unflawed or with as few flaws as possible, without realizing and understanding that perfection is an ongoing, perhaps eternal process of recognizing, addressing and correcting the flaws and this is the journey that I have chosen and decided to walk.
To be continued in my next post

Sunday, May 14, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II, Analysis

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II
From writing out part I of A Dream of Being Lost, I’ve been able to pinpoint various fears or energetic definitions of inferiority - that which I’ve been standing in fear of. For example, “out drinking” and “alcoholic” being at the beginning and the end of the dream indicate to me the primary fear that a part of me is pointing out to myself, which I am now in the process of facing by writing/righting it out of the mind to a more organized, more manageable view, my computer screen. In relation to alcohol, even though I’ve  moderated my alcohol consumption as I’ve grown older over the years, I am still  holding onto  a fear of falling back into a pattern of drinking excessively. Herein, an interesting point or lesson that I’ve learned in relation to fear is, that which I fear, if I hold onto it and keep charging it, will eventually manifest into and as my  reality. The reason this fear was coming up over the last couple of weeks had to with my plans to go to the Earthfest, Taiwan music festival for for the weekend. In the past, I had been to these kinds of festivals before and always ended up feeling like shit, driving home and for the next week because I had partied too much and burned myself out. Therefore, in pinpointing the fear, I considered how I was going to release it so not to manifest it as my  reality and instead, go have a fun weekend.

Having written out perhaps over a thousand pages of self-forgiveness and self-commitment/correction statements, I have realized one of many important points. Writing out and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements assist in releasing the fear energy; however, there is still the point of following through with the commitments in real time physical living so to manifest real change again and again as self trust expands to solidify the changes = self creation as the directive principle. Therefore, after sounding self-forgiveness and commitment statements in relation to this fear, I realized what I required to do was simply a matter of trusting myself to do as I had committed to do. It was actually quite simple: don’t drink too much and make sure I got to bed at a reasonable hour. This is exactly what I did on Friday night and Saturday. Then, on Sunday morning (today) as my old and new friends were having their beer breakfast, I was packing up my gear and getting ready to drive home, wash clothes, do some writing and take a walk. To sum it up, as with so many things I participate with in this world, including breathing polluted air and eating potato chips, not all of fun things are what’s best for my body. Thus, my goal is to manage myself in/as awareness of how I’m standing and this requires self-trust that I will in deed live my commitments as the directive principle determining in the moment who/how I am. In conclusion on this point, this weekend was a successful opportunity to do just that, build self trust within to create myself as the understanding that I am able to remain the directive principle even when surrounded by temptation.
There is still some more points to look at from this dream and I will do that in part III

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part I

In this dream, I had been out drinking somewhere and then I found myself trying to get back home, but I was lost. I wanted to go back to Taoyuan city, the place I’ve called home for many years now. So, I got on the back of rickshaw and the driver peddled his three wheeled cycle all over the place, but he didn’t take me home and I didn’t know where I was. In the next scene, a large angry man was confronting me as though I had done something to him or one of his friends who were standing behind him. I was frightened that he would hit me and I imagined having to hit him back and try to escape - not what I wanted to do. I started to speak and then as though to say, “not another word,” he raised his hand in the air as though he were contemplating hitting me. In the next scene, I was being chased. I ran into a shop and locked the door behind me. The shopkeeper offered no help to me and called the police. On the phone, it seemed as though the police were willing to come and help me, but they had no idea where I was and I was unable to tell them because I didn’t know, either. Then, I was walking with the phone and though the police stayed on the line for a long time, they finally had to go and I was once again alone. The last thing I heard from them were a series of numbers that I guessed were GPS coordinates that I could put into my phone to help my find my way home, but there were too many numbers for me to remember and once again I was lost and alone. Then I came upon a group of people building homes that looked very expensive and secure. These people seemed to be of high status or class, beautiful, almost perfect looking. One woman asked me what I did (meaning, what was my position in life). Thinking that they would be more likely to give me a ride if they thought I were of high status, I told them I was a professor at a local university - even though my job classification is Special Projects Instructor, kind of like a hire and fire at will position. The same woman said that they were Bahal (or Baha'i, of a religion I guess) and then she asked me why I didn’t like (the name of another religion).  I said, because I don’t believe in anything. I wanted to give her an explanation on this, but another woman chimed in as though it saddened her,  like she were going to cry. You’re just an alcoholic, she said. To that I replied, you got it right, you’re a smart one. And then I awoke. As a lot is opening up here, I will analyse this dream in the next post, part II

Monday, May 1, 2017

Obsessing over Perfection in Judgments of Comparison

Do I sometimes get obsessed, possessed or am I just or practical when it comes to buying stuff? I don’t recall exactly when I began to insist upon only (for the best for the money of course), but I guess it has to do with attempting to avoid buyer's regret. In some ways I appreciate this character trait, while in other ways it is often a hassle for me complete even the simplest of purchases. Perhaps, the hassle part is somewhat of an overstatement; for, I do sometimes enjoy the process of researching to buy something, at least when I have the time. However, I also realize that, there’s  a line between practical considerations and obsessing over getting the purchases right the first time.

For example, over the last few weeks, I had been considering which smartphone mount to buy for my new motorcycle. Now, the new motorscooter is in itself a whole other story wherein I could have bought one  months or a couple of years ago if didn’t “have to” research everything about the latest in scooters in order to be certain that I was getting the most suitable motorcycle for my needs and desires, one that I would be satisfied with for at least the next ten to twenty years. Thankfully I’m still satisfied with the one I purchased a few months ago. However, rarely does a day go by that I don’t look at other motorcycles in a form of comparison questioning to reassure myself that I  bought the correct/best one for me.

As for the smartphone mount, I initially bought one at Costco for about $33.00 because I had planned to use Google Maps on the scooter very soon. Still, I wasn’t sure if it were the one that I really wanted, so I didn’t even unpack it while I followed up on another option. The other option consisted of letting a local Yamaha dealer/mechanic handle the whole thing for me, including purchasing and installing it - total cost $66,00. I figured that, as these guys seemed to have the coolest add ons for their scooters, they would probably be using the best. Unfortunately, the best for them I guess was a mount that only supported Iphone 6. Therefore, when it came to using my Samsung, I ended up having buying an additional hard case and using 3M VHB adhesive tape to adhere the case of my phone to the lock which secured it onto the motorcycle mount with nothing more than a strip of strong adhesive tape. I turns out that, the back of my new case was just a piece of plastic, glued onto more plastic. Even though the motorcycle guy assured me that it would be secure, I didn’t consider it very safe. I’ve heard such assurances before and often ended up paying for my faith in them - either in worrying about something happening or something really happening. Thus, after only two days, I decided to try out the I had bought at Costco, which cost only half the price. As it turns out, that one works fine, looks better and is waterproof. Total cost for both mounts, $99.00 instead of $33.00.

I’m not beating myself up over the money, yet I consider I have a slight problem. Is it that I’m not deliberate or detailed enough when it comes to researching and buying something or is it that I’m too fastidious when it comes to the things I’ve bought? BTW, the $7.00 ones at the local hardware stores seem to do almost exactly the same thing.

In minding this point, the self-judgment that comes up is, I didn’t follow the simple logical steps of decision making. In other words, as the Costco product is easily returnable even after I’ve tried it out, I should have first, at least tried it out. Furthermore, having to use adhesive tape between my phone and the mount should have been a red flag  that I noticed right away. Am I getting slower, is my mind not what it used to be, or do I just not care that much anymore about such things - which is kind of the way I’d like to be, as in not so concerned or preoccupied with the little things.

Therefore, I have been directing myself as of late, to be less fastidious, letting the little things go while focusing on my priorities. For example, nowadays when I visit my partner in our home in the north of the island, I don’t nag her as I used to  about a few dirty dishes being left in the sink or the floor not being swept. Instead, I simply wash the dishes and sweep the floor. In the same way, I’ve directed myself to stop cleaning and organizing things all the time around my apartment. This has reduced the amount of time I spend tidying up my apartment, yet it has also let to a slightly messier apartment. What is the best way to be; where do I set my standards for doing things?

The answer is clear: it’s not about the things that I buy, the layout, cleanliness or quality of my environment, but who I am in relation my environment. There are too many variables, too much information for me to realistically ensure that every decision I make will lead to the best outcome in hopes of being perfectly equipped and having perfect surroundings. However, I am able to remain constant in determining who I am in relation to everything and not participate in judgment so not to fall into The Trap of Comparison. I redefine for myself the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.

I see that there’s never going to be absolute certainty other than in that I am always able to stop participating in energetic definitions or judgments of the things that I buy and use. Herein, it’s all about letting go of my perceptions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about buying and/or having items that are less than the best that I am able to purchase, instead of committing to determine my actual needs, doing reasonable research on what will fit those needs and buying with the certainty that I will not judge myself once it’s done.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck with something, as i’ve judged myself to be stuck with a second smartphone mount that I’m probably not going to use unless I buy an Iphone.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being thorough or diligent enough in researching and buying things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over decisions of which product to buy, in reaction to the fear of being stuck with products that I’ve judged to be less than the best.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare/judg things  that I bought or could buy, instead of letting go of the energetic judgments and using comparison to assist me in making decisions based on the strengths and weaknesses of the products.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not wanting to be wasteful; therein fearing being stuck with products that I have bought.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having to live with something once I’ve bought, because I define buying another as wasteful.
I now see that, in buying stuff, there is no guarantee that I will get the best product for my needs. However, I am able to stop participating in self judgments in relation having bought or not having made the best decision. And this is what I’m going to do - stop judging myself. Additionally, I’m changing myself within and as the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Being Outside as Opposed to being Inside

Image result for prison cell window looking outside
Over the weekend, on Sunday I had planned to input midterm grades into the school information system. However, as the system was down, I didn’t do that. Then, for a moment I considered writing, but I didn’t because I thought, “I have nothing to write about.” Of course I was wrong on this point. There are always points to write about. Sometimes for me, it’s simply a matter of wandering about with the written word, as I am now, until I come upon something that stands out, pointed out in some cases by the words I’ve written and in other cases by the words I’ve omitted - that which I don’t care to write about.

Today, if I were going to write about such points, the words would paint a picture of a pattern that I’ve been going back into or perhaps have never even left. It has to do with being outside or getting out as opposed to staying inside the house. Once again, I find myself not wanting to go home, not wanting to be inside  during too much of the daytime. In looking at what being inside during the daytime, represents to me, there is a picture of me in front of the computer, as though to say, “not again, enough is enough.” There is also the feeling of being locked up, which used to be my greatest fear until I realized that I hold the keys to myself.

To be fair to this perspective or personality, I have spent a lot of time in front of the computer, too much time I reckon. Ah, but look what the word “personality” points out. It’s a program or a pattern that I’ve been living out. Thus, it’s not about whether I’m inside or out, but the polarity by which I’ve defined myself in relation to being inside wasting my life away in front of a computer or outside walking through the city, the mountainsides and sometimes having a beer at the top of the hill or somewhere after a walk.
The polarized definition of being inside as opposed to being outside: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the polarities of being inside or out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see/realize and understand that, whether I see outside of the house or apartment, I’m still looking to see from the within to the without. It’s only when writing, that I’m looking into me to see the points within me that I place outside of me (in words) see the patterns. Herein I see that, the image/imagination of me being inside in front of a computer represents an obligation to look into me, write the words out to see the points as patterns/programs that I’ve been repeating. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame not wanting to be in front of a computer for my not wanting to be inside, instead of seeing/realizing that my not wanting to be inside was not wanting to look into me, defined as an obligation or responsibility.  So in picking this up later on, I realized that, as the title implies, I seem to have preferences. For example, when conversations are taking place physically in front of me, I often prefer being on the inside, participating. However, when it comes larger groups of people, I tend to stay more on the outside so as not to feel so complicated, which is strange because I also tend to complicate so many things, even the simplest of them.

What I’ve been doing these day, more and more as part of my personal process of changing myself, is to look at points for the purpose of pinpointing the origin of patterns I’ve been participating in (as far as I’m actually able to deal with them), and then stopping the pattern to change myself physically in real time by stopping the pattern in real time. For example, in the classroom, I realized that I had been giving certain categories of students far more attention than others. Thus, as a point of equality to stand equally in relation to all of my students, I have decided to push myself to equalize my relationships with my students by equalizing the attention I place on them in physical movements in real time. What’s interesting is that, in focusing on my physical movements, I’ve also been cutting down on the mental participation by just saying no to the invitation of mental stimulation. It’s a process of self-change and it is not immediate, but it is working, which brings me back to being outside as opposed to being inside. I Will write more on this next time.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Correcting Corrupted Commitments

Image result for desteni, a virus free mind

In the last couple of months, I have written some posts relating to commitments and my fickleness in address them. Here, I would like to like to close this subject out some clarification and a written commitment in relation to making commitments.

A common theme associated with the thought of making a “commitment”, as far back as I remember is that, I had defined it in a negative sense, as though someone or something else out there would be putting pressure on me in the form of expectations, dependency or need. Thus, whenever it came to commitments, whenever I made them in relation to others, I would often speak words, deceptively designed to get what I wanted out of the deal, often  appearing as though I I were making an agreement, while in reality, my words contained conditions as getaway routes for me. I am speaking only of the words of so-called commitments I spoke, not the words of commitments I wrote. We tend to hear what we want to hear.

The case in point that I’m mainly speaking/writing of here, has to deal with my commitment to do extra work for the university. It is work that I wanted to do and would like to continue doing. Moreover, I didn’t want them to give this particular work to anyone else.  However, I have also come to realize that, work around here can pile up very quickly. Thus, when it came to committing to do the work, I specifically chose to “speak” words containing conditions, rather than “write” them down. Thus, from my perspective, on the surface I was being honest in stating my conditions. However, when I brought this point back to me to take complete responsibility for and direct it, I realized that as my starting point commitment included a point of deception, that one point of deception ended up corrupting the entirety of the agreement in relation to others.

Thus, in looking at my history of committing with sounds meant to deceive, I see that in attempting to manipulate others, I had only been deceiving myself. For example, last semester when my mom passed away, I ended up having to slow down and take some time off. From my perspective, this was Ok because I had specifically conditioned my “verbal” agreement to account for such a situation. However, as there was nothing in writing, I had little to say in reply to accusations that I had promised to do this work, period. In other words, in verbalizing my commitments conditioned with reasonable exceptions hidden in my sentences, I ended up corrupting my starting point with deception, thereby sentencing myself by own deception. Specifically, in choosing not to write out my and specify my commitment (opting instead for a little deception),  I ended up denying myself  (and others) a written record of my commitment - that would have included the conditions of my commitment.  Thus, whereas I had believed I was manipulating others by talking duplicitously, I was in reality only manipulating myself. Of this point, I now see/realize that, in all cases the best way for me to address and deal with any kind of commitment is to write it down as specifically as possible. Herein, the next time I find myself at a point of communicating the extent of my commitment or commitments, I commit to communicate self-honesty in writing, specifying the extent of my commitment including any conditions or reservations that I may have.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Bypassing my Reactions by Becoming the Solution

Over the last few blogs, I shared some of my experiences in relation to different points, victimization, burden, frustration, desperation, etc. When I slow down and look honestly at just about every point that I deal with, I see that I have always been the one choosing the path called reaction to the problem = reacting to the reaction to wander around, lost until I eventually find the path called solution. The point here is that, these paths are all of my own making, creating my own reality. The question is, why do I spend so much time wandering around, reacting to the problem and then reacting to the reaction, when I am able simply to  choose the easiest path, which brings me directly to the solution? The solution is the solution regardless of the reaction and since the reaction is no fun, why not simply bypass the reaction to implement and become the solution? This is now a goal to add to my list and perhaps it should be my only goal for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction to confront a problem, thereby slowing my process of solving the problem simply by directly becoming the solution. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s my right to react to my reaction - as a form of blame, justifying an attack on that which I have blamed for doing unto me what only I have done and not solving what only I am able to solve. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see, realize and understand that, for each problem I face, I alone am the key to solving it, unlocking the door, opening it, designing the solution and walking into and as the reality that I have created by living the solution. The choice has always been mine, regardless of how many times I’ve pointed my fingers in blame and denied my responsibility. The next time and every time I notice a problem, either being created or one that I’ve already created, I commit to bypass the reaction and the calls for blame coming from within and as myself, so to determine the problem as I am, so to design a solution that I am able to stand as and from this point, I commit to implement and become that solution as quickly as I am able.

There is no question without an answer and there is no answer without a question.
There is no student without a teacher, no teacher without a student and so on, which altogether is how I generally define the “me” of me, myself and I. The point that I have come to see/realize is that all the definitions which I have defined as problems out there, come from within/as myself. Therefore, as the definitions of the problems come from within myself, I am in reality, also the problem, which (thankfully) is also a question, which is also an answer equating to a solution. In understanding this point, of course I am able to bypass reaction and go straight to solution.

In looking at this point of bypassing the reaction by immediately taking self-responsibility for designing, living and becoming the solution, it appears so clear and simple, dare I say logical. Yet, without the assistance and support of the words of several others, I might still be battling the solution, lost in a waging war within and as myself. Thus, I say thank you to all for assisting me to realize that, as only I am able to stand as my solution to all of the problems I face, the fastest path to understanding myself as the solution is always going to be one, wherein I bypass the reaction by taking complete responsibility to investigate the problem, design a solution and live it. And as for the reWARd, an end to the hostilities within.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Bedtime Writing that's not a Story

The thing about words is they really don’t lie. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not sure that, people really know what I mean. Which is to say, I’m not sure that I really know what I mean. Which is to say, I’m not really sure that I’m saying what I mean, the question is, why?

When I look at other people’s words, I read them, which is to say, I read the people. But am I really reading them or is it all me that I see in the words that I read? I guess it’s a combination of the two, the writer and the reader. When I see concern in someone’s words, I feel it, so in a sense the concern must be coming from or originating from within and as me. Or is that how communication actually works; the frequency of someone else's words written or spoken resonates within us and voilà, we’ve got communication?

Some moments ago, I was questioning my decision to write the way I’ve been writing lately. I’m not sure if it’s better to write honestly or to write correctly. The honesty is not pretty and there’s a dark and somewhat painful side to me that I would rather not have people see, but in order to write correctly, correct my writing to right me, I have to get down or go down another level. The words that I write only tell the surface story. Beneath that, though, there’s another story, one that I don’t have words for, not even pictures, but it’s there.

All of the points that seem big and small in our worlds are actually connected to deeper dimensions, deeper realms and what we perceive them to be in reality is but the surface presentation playing out in the design of this reality. For example, my aversion to authority didn’t arise from anything of this life, as far as I know. Yet, from a very young age, the words, “you have to…” used to trigger me. They don’t anymore, but they still trigger the memory of the experience.

I use what I call poetry to facilitate writing about something that I don’t really want to write about. For me, it’s poetry, at least. In one of my recent posts, I wrote something about being a madman, getting old and having unclear vision. I also wrote about knowledge and information, so much that offers so little. This world is a prison, a prism of minds. I can’t figure it out, so I’ve got to stop trying. The trap is to think that I can think my way through my thoughts. The trick is to just stop thinking about it and implement the solution. This is what I'm going to do, simplify the solution, implement it and with that, I'll say good night!

There's Got to be a Better Way

Continuing from where I left off, yesterday. I sent an email of amends, explaining how my mother had passed away last semester and how my eyes were painful, perhaps requiring surgery. What I didn’t say was how confused I remain in relation to so many points, except one. The only certainty is that I am always able to take the next step as best I am able and that, the places to hide are becoming fewer.

Yesterday, I came back to my apartment, planning to start school today, I walked into a shop to get some food and the woman said, hi, are you arriving to start school? Yea I start tomorrow, I replied, to which she replied, school doesn’t start until the twentieth, which was four days away. Wow, I thought I’m losing my mind or perhaps, I’m just going blind. Somehow, I had got it into my mind that I started school on Friday, the 17th, when it actually begins on the twentieth. I’m guessing that I just didn’t see clearly. But I must have skimmed over the date many times in the last month. So why would I hold onto that number, even though it was wrong? That’s what I sometimes do, hold onto information as though it’s true, even though it’s wrong. What  other information and knowledge have I assimilated as right, when it’s actually wrong? Have I been weaving the web more tightly around me, all the while believing that I was unweaving it, unwaveringly digging my hole ever deeper instead of climbing out of it. I have made an appointment for this week to go and see an eye doctor.

The email of amends that I sent, seems to have worked to bring the words back to a level of communication and cooperation and that’s what I commit to do, cooperate more humbly. However, I will still remain with my stand/commitment to write just one more set of education materials this semester, as a matter of prudence so not to risk becoming overextended when new obligations arise as they always do.

The other day I imagined a story of a donkey who worked hard because he wanted to impress others with how much of a load he could carry. The donkey thought his master would appreciate him and perhaps feed and care for him more if he carried more of the load. The donkey was wrong and the master just kept on demanding more, as though the man was unconcerned for the wellbeing of the donkey. Finally, the donkey had had enough. Not being able to get his message across to his master, he did the only thing left to do. In an act of desperation, he sat down and just refused to move. Finally, the master took notice and asked him what the problem was. To this, the donkey replied, I may be a donkey, but I’m not a jackass. Of course, I am the donkey in this story.

Years ago, I had written a play that won first place in a regional competition. Wanting to be national champions, the management ordered to work more, even during my lunchtimes to rewrite the play and better train the students. I had thought that I would have been rewarded, but instead I was forced to do more, so much more that I began experiencing pains in my chest and I started to become frightened that I would have a heart attack. Finally, the anger and blame inside of me overwhelmed me and I just quit. At the time, I blamed my experiences on the management, but now I see that I always had a choice.

Last semester, when I saw my new schedule with eight teaching hours in a row with only a lunch break, I became very shaken. I remembered the pains in my chest and I knew that meetings would sometimes be called during those lunch times, thereby leaving me to work for nine hours straight or disobey orders. I wrote emails and I talked to administrative people, begging them to change my schedule, but hey just pointed fingers at different departments and said it’s their responsibility. Finally, in an act of desperation, I said I would stop all cooperation in developing new lessons (that bring in additional funds for the school) and start looking for another job. I had been down this road before and I wasn’t going to go there again. My schedule got changed later that day and this is where my confusion lies. There’s got to be a better way. There is a better way and this is why I write.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Authority and the Battle Within

It seems to be a thing with me, so much so that I’m beginning to think it must be me. Authority figures, I’ve never appreciated them, nor even liked them. I’ve feared them and avoided them. I even threw eggs at their cars and then ran away. I wish they would just leave me alone, but they’re not gonna leave me alone, are they?  Yea, I’m mad, a madman. I don’t remember when I wasn’t and I can only imagine what it’s like not to be one.

I have skills and the desire to use them, especially when it comes to using words. This makes me a useful commodity to have around at institutions that want to enter and win contests such as those that call for the use of targeted words. I have also realized that, these words can be targeted towards another for the purpose of causing harm. However, a more in depth analysis into the actual harm caused by using words in such a way (as swords) reveals that the one wielding the pen as the sword will always end up paying the real price. Thus, I write to look into me to see where it is that I as my words are not standing equal with my deeds.

The story is the same: I get asked to participate in writing materials; I agree to write to an extent and then, more jobs get piled onto my back. I attempt to back out of some of the work and then they say, “no, you already agreed.” Yes, but that was before more work was piled onto me, I reply, but it’s too late. It’s a conundrum for me, because it seems that the more one volunteer to do, the more one is forced to do. It seems that, the more you give, the more they will demand. Thus, those that give nothing at all, have very little demanded of them, but they get paid the same amount as I. This is another one of my problems, but it’s not really about money.

In a recent email exchange, email I stated that I would do one more. To that, they replied, “OK, but if we can’t find anyone else to do the other, you’re responsible.” I’m thinking to myself time, time and time again, it heals really nothing at all.

Actually, I am healing, but there seems to be a sore within me that never gets fully cleansed. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, so, what the hell am I going to do. Nothing left to do, but attempt to explain and make amends. No, wonder so many choose war over dialogue and cooperation, the ego stays fed. Even though it’s not what I desire to do, I’m going to write that email, targeting my words  at reconciliation instead of war. I’ll come back and finish this after it’s done. It’s done, but I don’t feel any better. I see that there must be a point that I’m missing, a point wherein I’m not taking complete self-responsibility.

One point is perhaps, the conditioning my sounds hidden in my words, sounding as though I’ve agreed, while actually I’ve placed-in back-doors, “legal technicalities” for me to weasel out, should I feel the need. There are lessons to be learned here and I will share them with those who will listen. I’m getting old, my eyes are not clear, but that’s not the real problem. The real problem has to do with my attachment to information and knowledge. Perhaps, I should say, the way I attach information and knowledge onto me, latching onto it as though it were real. I’ll continue this tomorrow if I remember 😶😶😶.