Monday, June 26, 2017

From the Pain of Experience within to the Change of Self-Expression

The title is specific because, as I said the words aloud and wrote them out, I changed them each time until they looked and sounded of the outcome that I  most cared to create or recreate myself as - from pain of an experience to the change of self expression.

There is no common sense in casting or molding one’s self  as words or spells that are not designed to substantiate and support self in ways that are best for all, which is to say that it is only common sense to use or apply words that support what is best for all. When we speak and/or write, we cast or mold ourselves (as beings of sound minds and bodies) into and as the design of the sentences we think, speak and write, herein sentencing ourselves to the words by which we have cast out and molded ourselves to be and become. Be careful what you think, put a guard on your mind. Be careful what you speak, put a guard on your tongue. Most of all, though, be care what you write, put a guard on each one of the fingers to watch and check each letter as you type. Herein, I commit to write each word with care.

In human system of which I am one, there always seem to be a battle to fight and be fought. Although I sometimes project the cause of this battle as being located out there, I realize that I am not separate from the cause and certainly not the consequences of anything, anywhere. Essentially, this is to say that I am responsible for everything, everywhere in and of my reality and this is why I call it, mine. Is it possible that we are all in our own little bubble universes, perceiving the reality of one another in relation to ourselves, completely differently. I say not. Yet, each one’s perception of reality as a whole is certainly of a different perspective, i.e., different. The question is: how are we supposed to align ourselves with what’s best for all if each one of us is locked into and as his or her own little bubble reality. matrix?

It has been said, in reference to being attacked or spited, that we should turn the other cheek. I wonder how I should apply this to the ongoing dispute in our little community. Certainly, if and when I experience spite as though I’ve been spited, the fasted way for me to end this experience is to look into me, address the words as definitions creating my spiteful experience and then change how I am by redefining the experience to a new definition, a new living stance. I am able to redefine the experience by applying a word or words to express instead of experience; herein changing myself from an experience such as spitefulness to an self-expression of… It occurs to me that a part of me has been feeding off of such experiences and although I could say I hate the experience and long for its opposite, I realize that love and hate, as experiences are of the same seesaw or rollercoaster ride. Therefore, I will push through the opposition to change and commence with redefining who/how I care to be.


From the experience of being spited and intimidated, I choose to change myself to live an expression of integrity, consideration for and support for others. If I were to translate the little point inside of me that just peeped, it would say, are you fucking crazy, how and why the hell would you support the enemy? Lol, this is what I’m working on writing out. My answer comes of the realization that he, she and they as “we” are no more than the least of our parts, the sum total being “me.” There is a path to harmony and what is best for all; the key is to find it or create it and walk it, as is our self-responsibility. There will almost certainly be pitfalls that we will have to stand up from and walk on and on and on until there is only one, one path on which all are walking equally as one. I understand this process and I will proceed.


These are but some of the points still weighing on me. Out my window and in my front yard I see the same points on the world stage, disharmony, war and more war, each of us believing that if we can just win this war, there will be piece. There is some truth to this: for if everyone wins, all will be won, one in the same. I could say I don’t know how, but this would untrue. I do know how; however, I do not yet understand how to live that which I know, the knot of now  by which I’ve tied myself into and as a perplexity. I guess I must consider each moment a new one requiring different movements while using the same principles, oneness, equality and what is best for all, all expressed in and as living words in support these principles. This is my challenge and my journey - to understand oneness, equality and what is best for all.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

What am I Waiting for and Who am I - Part II

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What am I Waiting for and Who am I? Well, I’m not waiting anymore. As I stated in my last post, I’m letting go of my judgments of words for and as being defined by consciousness. Why? Because the human language as sound, energy, physical symbolism is of consciousness/ego of physical/man beings (or something like that), and as they say, you can’t change the playing field in the middle of the game. That being said, I am beginning to understand the benefits of redefining words to change how I live the words that I’m living, thus shifting myself (word by word) from a consciousness/system awareness based on polarized energetic experiences to a physical awareness based on physical expression.  Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if one day I look back on my initial relation to redefining words and say, wow it’s so simple, why did it take me so long to figure that out? Perhaps, it is the simplicity of it that confuses me, lol.

So in letting go of the judgments of words so to get on with writing that I’ve been putting off due to the nature of the words (which I have been existing as), perhaps  I am now able to  begin actually changing the nature of the words I’ve been existing as, so to change how I’ve been existing =  change who I am. Btw, “who” and “how” are basically the same words as far as I’m concerned. In other words, who one is in relation to all is an outflow of how one relate to all. In other words, who I am (in totality) is essentially a measure of how I am in relation to all.

How do I measure or stand in relation to all, not as a judgment or comparison, but as a measure of my potential to stand as best I am able in relation to all? This is perhaps one of those questions that we might ask ourselves on regular basis, not as a judgment of the past, but as a question in the here and now of the present wherein the quest to live to our utmost potential is the answer that exist as opportunity in each moment to determine the next best step that one is able to make, and do so as a point of self creation. So I ask, how do I measure as a standing in relation to all at this moment, right now? Am I standing as best I am able right now in relation to all? Herein, the key is to realize that, we’re not going to realize our potential unless we push beyond what we thought we were capable of, beyond the bounds of our comfort zones, into the darkness and into the unknown. For me at this moment, this means letting go of the criticism and the judgments of my words as being less than perfectly correct, so to post them as another step in the direction of writing myself right to a standing of integrity in relation to all.
What am I Waiting for and Who am I? Well, I’m not waiting anymore. As I stated in my last post, I’m letting go of my judgments of words for and as being defined by consciousness. Why? Because the human language as sound, energy, physical symbolism is of consciousness/ego of physical/man beings (or something like that), and as they say, you can’t change the playing field in the middle of the game. That being said, I am beginning to understand the benefits of redefining words to change how I live the words that I’m living, thus shifting myself (word by word) from a consciousness/system awareness based on polarized energetic experiences to a physical awareness based on physical expression.  Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if one day I look back on my initial relation to redefining words and say, wow it’s so simple, why did it take me so long to figure that out? Perhaps, it is the simplicity of it that confuses me, lol.

So in letting go of the judgments of words so to get on with writing that I’ve been putting off due to the nature of the words (which I have been existing as), perhaps  I am now able to  begin actually changing the nature of the words I’ve been existing as, so to change how I’ve been existing =  change who I am. Btw, “who” and “how” are basically the same words as far as I’m concerned. In other words, who one is in relation to all is an outflow of how one relate to all. In other words, who I am (in totality) is essentially a measure of how I am in relation to all.

How do I measure or stand in relation to all, not as a judgment or comparison, but as a measure of my potential to stand as best I am able in relation to all? This is perhaps one of those questions that we might ask ourselves on regular basis, not as a judgment of the past, but as a question in the here and now of the present wherein the quest to live to our utmost potential is the answer that exist as opportunity in each moment to determine the next best step that one is able to make, and do so as a point of self creation. So I ask, how do I measure as a standing in relation to all at this moment, right now? Am I standing as best I am able right now in relation to all? Herein, the key is to realize that, we’re not going to realize our potential unless we push beyond what we thought we were capable of, beyond the bounds of our comfort zones, into the darkness and into the unknown. For me at this moment, this means letting go of the criticism and the judgments of my words as being less than perfectly correct, so to post them as another step in the direction of writing myself right to a standing of integrity in relation to all.

Monday, June 19, 2017

What am I Waiting for and Who am I ?

What am I waiting for, who am I and why do I sit here ready to type, typing as though there is nothing to say? Well, for starters, I really don’t like to use the word, “well” and I don’t understand how and why other people don’t see it, see the words of consciousness in our faces, belittling us. “I know” is another phrase I abhore. See, it’s like I can’t write even two sentences without stating basically that I’m a robot, I’m a brainwashed robot. So I breathe. Lot’s of laughs, robot laughs. At least their not zombie laughs. And no, today I’ll not attempt to explain the meaning (and there’s another one of those words) of my sentences above. It’s a kind of a craziness, like a fine line between two points. By the way, “kind of” is a phrase that I now enjoy using, especially once I let go of the implied separation by which I had defined myself within and as the definition of being of this species of that… OK, perhaps, I’ll just let go of my assessments or of words for a while in order to get a handle on what it is I am waiting for, who am I and why do I sit here ready to type, typing as though I have nothing to say?

It’s like I’m waiting for a sign, something from the news or my view of the world system and/or humanity. I feel sometimes as though I’ve said all I care to say and that’s a problem I know. Why? Because I also realize that there’s so much more that we need to say and do. Yet, here I stand and sometimes crawl like I’m in waiting for a big earthquake to come or an EMP blast to shut down parts of the world system for a while. This isn’t what I want, but it is, along with other possibilities what it is perhaps that I’m waiting for. Perhaps a part of me still longs for chaos the unexamined or ununderstood order of it. It does feel good, like a relief to just let go of my judgments as assessments of the symbols and the sounds of words for a moment.

It’s week 18 for my favorite university here in Taiwan and this means I’ve almost achieved another record for this lifetime around. Three years, I’ve stayed at this job and overall, I still like it. In fact (not literally of course), I’m even planning on remaining here for at least another two years. That being said, I am flexible and quite capable of going anywhere and adapting to any situation. What am I waiting for? I’m still harboring a belief within and as me that my mission has to do with what’s out there. Yet, more and more, I begin to see that my mission really is me, and that, what I perceive to be “out there” is but a reflection of what’s in here as me.

It’s been raining for days and days, pouring down rain. I got into my old car the other day and the wells under the seats were filled with rainwater. In addition to that, a colony of ants had taken up residence in my sideview mirror during the weeks wherein my car had been sitting close to the jungle vegetation of the city that used to be a farming community before the university came in. I apologized to the ants before I disrupted their new habitat. It made me think or at least face the fact that even though I like to think of myself as being in touch and kind to nature, I can be just as destructive as the rest of humankind.

What am I waiting for? The truth as it applies to my thinking (like an oxymoron, huh?) is that I just don’t know what to do. Or perhaps I do know what to do, but I just don’t want to do it or am afraid to. I am certain that we are able to change the world by changing ourselves from the within to the without or the without to the within. However, I have reached a point I guess, wherein I’m not sure what to write or to be more precise, what is right. I guess it’s like new territory. I mean, in the past, I knew what I had to write about but was too frightened to let go of my secrets by putting them out. Then, slowly but surely as I let those secrets out I began to see that the problem wasn’t the information of the secrets themselves but the energy associated with the secrets within which I had helled myself.

Hells bells! I say to all of those suffering in our self-created hells of our secret holds, let go of the secrets. At least write them out so to release ourselves from our self-created secret hells. What am I waiting for? Hell, I may as well practice what I preach by letting go of another secret. Sometimes I feel like a zombie waiting instructions or a sign to tell me what to do, something like a program to get me back online. Alas, I know that the program is ended and it's not coming back, at least not if I have a say in it and I am certain I do.

The challenge for me now and perhaps for eternity is to challenge myself to lead myself into the darkness, not to find the light, but to create myself anew and better than I was before. Herein, my definition of perfection is not about not-making mistakes, but about recognizing the mistakes that I’ve made and taking responsibility for them by forgiving myself and righting my course to correct my mistakes by retaking the steps again and again until I've got it right.

I don’t get everything right the first time. I still haven’t changed or even determined who I am in relation to alcohol. I have however restructured myself somewhat more pragmatically. In other words, I generally won’t drink beer on certain days of the week, not yet a rule written in stone, yet I’ve become more aware of how much I drink, counting the beers as I drink them... Yea, I’m still a work in progress on this point.

I’ll finish this part, “what am I waiting for” with a challenge to myself. The reason I’m certain that this is a challenge is because I’ve been hesitant to write about it for fear of committing myself even though I am certain it’s the right thing for me to do, as in being the right step for me to take. The challenge I’ve been considering is to use some podcast or YouTube self-help videos and adapt them into university classroom lessons. Background info: Over the last 2-3 years, I’ve been focusing (in terms of writing academic lessons) on a course called Global Citizenship and Cultural Literacy. I view it as a success in that people do seem to grasp principles such as democracy, equality and human rights. They also seem to comprehend that humanity is lacking when it comes to living such principles.  However,  too many people seem not to care enough and/or do not currently the ability to do anything about it. In other words, whereas I am able to introduce and input the definitions of principles into the education system, I am not able to move others to live such principles. Thus, a challenge for me during summer vacation is investigate (as in a doing) adding English subtitles, discussion questions and so on to certain videos, such as those in Self & Living and/or SOUL to adapt them for use in academic situations. Actually, this challenge to input relevant learning into the education system is also part of my mission. Ok, so I’ll specify this challenge in my next post, What am I Waiting for and Who am I - Part II, wherein I will write on the point of Who am I.



Tuesday, May 30, 2017

From Spite to Recognition of Perspectives

An uncomfortable point of anger and spite that came up within me this weekend has to do with the ongoing saga, Horrible Neighbours or Horrible Me that my partner and I have been walking as part of our personal processes and investigation/participation in the local legal system. The point of spite that came up within me has to do specifically with the placing/movement of orange cones in front of our house. Actually, it’s not so much these cones being in front of our home that I’ve been reacting to, but them being in the forefront of my view whenever I looked out of the front windows of our home. Thus, what I’ve been doing whenever I return home for the weekends or holidays, has been simply to move the cones out of my view. The problem or or energetic reaction that I’m dealing with here has to do with somebody else moving them back into my view. The energy that been coming up for several years now (even though I’ve done self-forgiveness on this point) each time somebody moves these cones back into “my view” is or was one of anger and spite as though somebody was physically attacking me, in-spite of myself seeing/realizing that I was and am the only one in and of my physical body creating, accepting and allowing the consequences of my thoughts in relation to this point.

This time, after I had already moved the cones back “out of my view", as seen from the inside of my house, yet still slightly in front of my house, but not in front of my windows, I noticed one of the characters in this saga walking outside as though he were assessing or inspecting a move that the opposing side had just made. In looking at him as a reflection or question of myself, it occurred to me that I’m  not harboring spiteful thoughts towards him or any of the others involved in our dispute. Thus, I asked myself, then, what is it that I keep on reacting to as though I’m being personally attacked. The answer I realized was in the question itself, “as though I’m being personally attacked.” I had been defining myself as being attacked like someone putting his hand infront of my face and refusing to move it, instead of realizing that, just as I had my perspective or assumption of where things should and shouldn’t be in relation to the front of my house, so too, do others, but that doesn’t make it an attack of a magical hand that somehow can go into my stomach and churn me up into anger, aggravation and spite.


Therefore, after sounding self forgiveness in that moment to remove the energy that I had associated with that point, I also redefined the point of the cones being moved - from that of someone attacking me to that of someone acting from his or her personal perspective, just as I do when I move the cones out of my view.

In this redefinition of who I am in relation to this point, I realize that (in the physical reality), although each one of us moves from his or her perspective, no one is physically attacking anyone. Hence, when and as I find myself at a point of reacting in anger or spite in relation to someone having placed something in front of my house, I commit to breathe, stop the energy before it has time to expand, and remind myself that just as I feel that I have the right not to have those things in front of my house, so too perhaps do others feel that they have the right to place them there. Herein, I see that this is not a matter of being right, wrong or attack, but one of personal perspectives which are being addressed by my partner and I through the local legal system. Herein, I also commit to live the word, patience in consideration of different perspectives, while walking through the legal system, while also walking my personal process of self change. Furthermore, the next time I see that the cones have been moved in front of my house, I’m going follow up on this point by cross referencing my physical body to see for sure that I have (or have not) satisfactorily addressed and corrected this point within and as myself.



Sunday, May 28, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part IV

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I had another dream in relation to the point of alcohol. I was at a bar, inside the bar with a couple of people that I knew, but not enough to remember their names. I had been trying for some time to get a beer and was getting a little frustrated feeling more and more thirsty. Then I walked outside (I guess in search of a beer) and saw tables outside, open spaces with a  flowing river and I knew that, outside in the open air was where I wanted or needed to be. When I saw my friends again, I explained to them that, as they didn’t know me very well, as demonstrated by me not yet remembering their names, they of course wouldn’t know that I prefer to be outside. Thus, I suggested that we go outside in the open air instead of hanging around inside in a closed space. Then the bartender came back and I told her that I wanted a beer, a good beer one of those traditional ones. She ran off a list and then said, how about a Fighter, there are still a of them left. I’ll have a Fighter, I replied and then I awoke from my dream. I wonder if I’m even employing sarcasm in my dreams to avoid actually getting to the heart of the matter. I’ve noticed that this is another means of preoccupying or diverting myself away from the subject, talking or writing around the it rather than diving straight into it.

The addiction character, played by me is of course of and as me, at least a part of me, one that I have sometimes done battle with - perhaps symbolized sarcastically by the word “fighter” in the dream. In the past, I used to call myself a working or functional alcoholic because I would drink alcohol most nights of the week, never at work or during working hours - hence the term working alcoholic. Drinking was simply how I spent much of my time when I wasn’t cleaning the house, working or taking care of other business. Even my postgraduate and extracurricular studies,  thousands and thousands of hours of them were often done with beer, whisky or wine, sometimes all together and sometimes even with cigar. In looking back, although I was not always necessarily happy or unhappy during those times, I do not recall ever feeling fulfilled. In fact, there were several times in my life when I just dropped a good job or a successful business to search for something more. The problem was that I kept searching for more out there to fulfill me, rather than creating that fulfilment from within.  

Then about ten years ago, when I found Desteni and as I began investigate information about our existence and apply the tools of self-improvement or self creation, I began to realize that perhaps there is in deed more to life and living. It was The Design of Alcohol and Alcoholics that most caught my attention.   Actually, it did more than catch my attention. It presented to me the design of an obstacle, one that  I knew from that moment on would be perhaps the biggest obstacle of my process in this lifetime. Thus, over the years, I investigated, as per “the design’s” advice, pushing myself  to observe and experiment. The first real experiment I did consisted of focusing on the point of drinking and stopping it via mind over matter. Unfortunately, what I didn’t realize at the time was that, in focusing on not drinking (as the positive or opposite polarity in relation to drinking), I was also charging the point of drinking as the negative polarity. Accordingly, one day about 8 or 9 years ago while I was shopping for some food, out of the corner of my eye I saw some beer. I didn’t even attempt to try to stop myself from buying it, because at that point the energy of that polarity had built up to such an extent that I as that entity or personality was already completely consumed and possessed by it. It’s a sly, patient and devious mind of mine, which brings me to another point that I’ve been considering in relation to freedom within control or “structure” which I would also prefer to use instead of the word control.

In considering that the addiction character as a mind entity (like a parasite that is aware and living off the physical body) is within and as me, it is also important for me realize that this entity, perhaps like a personality of the mind, probably has full access to me as mind, perhaps even more that I am aware. As such, there’s no way I’m going to to go to battle (as I did before) with this point because it would be like starting a war within myself, one that no one would win. Why? Because no matter which strategy I employ, short of complete self-honesty, there’ll be a counter strategy to keep me cycling around and around. Thus, my plan is to work with the mind, being and body for the benefit of all of me.

It’s kind of like my approach to dealing with viruses. As viruses are part of what is here within and as, why should I be instructing my body to attack what is within and as me, while voicing words of oneness and equality? This is not to say that strong antibiotics are not sometimes essential to dealing with viruses and physical ailments, but that our sometimes bellicose or warlike approach to dealing with viruses, AI and other designs should perhaps be reconsidered.  In short, when dealing virused in the body (and this is another experiment that I’ve been working on), instead of imagining and/or sounding instructions for one’s immune system to attack the viruses,  perhaps a better approach to sound words or instructions of unity, embracing the viruses and all else within and as the body equally as one from the starting point of cooperating to coexist in a way or form that is best for all. Like so much of this existence, the viruses just want to survive. Herein, the choice is to continue competing, cycling through the stages of winning and losing or to change tactics, changing our starting point from one of opposition to one of cooperation.


As the addiction character within and as me is perhaps an entity, kind of like a virus, it is not to oppose it - as this will just energize it more. Instead it is to… This is my question or quest that I’ll continue investigating as I walk this path of letting go of the secrecy while expanding my self-honesty - which is also an investigation for me.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Dream of Being Lost - Part III

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In continuing from “Dream of Being Lost - Part 2”, looking deeper into the points of addiction, while including freedom and control into the mix, I am pushing myself to see in my physical living application to what extent I am able to right  or align myself better to what is best for the physical body, what is best for all.


In relation to alcohol consumption, a sticking point within me that has to do with my past unwillingness to give up my freedom or right to choose to walk and live as I please, my feeling or justification had always been, if I’m not hurting anyone else with my doings, why should I not be free to do as I please? However, in reviewing this particular design, I begin to see, realize and understand via my physical body additional issues relating to alcohol consumption that are getting more difficult to deny. Specifically, there is a point of personal expansion that I have been denying myself, as in the possibility of changing to become what I have been unable to perceive in my imagination. I guess this is because real change as in the expansion of self-expression comes about from walking through the mind, outside of the parameters of its design, thereby presenting us with a wall of darkness that must be walked into and through in order to realize and understand -beyond one’s imagination- the possibilities of self expansion. This unknown of that which does not yet exist is an example I guess of a point of opportunity somewhere in the darkness, like a wall that one must walk into and through to realize our potential by creating the new opportunity by living the unknown.

So, here I am again looking at this pattern/addiction of alcohol consumption. All the energy inside of me is screaming that I should argue for my rights, my freedom to choose, that all I need to do is organize the words and I’ll win the argument for sure. However, another part of me says I’ve done that before and it’s the wrong way to go - winning battles to win a war never manifested me as anything better than I was before. I understand this for sure because I’ve been there before, down that road as the saying goes and it leads nowhere. The way to go, as dark as it seems is easy to see, just walk straight into and through the resistance called energy. Perhaps it is like going into freezing cold water wherein the easiest way is sometimes to jump right in. Herein, let’s have a look a freedom within control.

Interestingly, I've always had issues with this point of freedom as opposed to being caged in and controlled. Within me, there has been so much resistance to changing. It’s an insistence that I maintain (and fight for if need be) my freedom to choose how I live. This resistance as it relates to my right to freely enjoy my beer while sitting outside on a sunny day is a point of self-definition located somewhere in between polarities of freedom and control that I’ve created within me and struggled with for some time. It is a stubbornness justified in the name of freedom. From my point of view, I ought to be able to do anything, as long as it’s from the starting-point of self-expression or self expansion that harms none. That being said, here's the physical reality stating that excessive consumption of alcohol or anything else for that matter is harmful to me. Thus, I realize I must design and live some compromises and this is where Jack, Joe and Veno's Freedom Within Control comes in. Thus, I will focus on this point, writing it out until I’ve resolved it. Additionally, I’m going to do something that I rarely do. I’m going to continue posting these writings on the internet. Why? Because I have come to realize that, eliminating the secrecy of a point that I am working on changing is ninety percent (and sometimes more) of the resistance to living the change. In other words, ninety to ninety-nine percent of the resistance to self-change is created and stored within and as the energy of resistance defined as a fear of exposing one’s weakness, which more than not is actually the harboring of the secret itself. Thus, in exposing one’s secrets, one of the biggest aspects of resistance is often eliminated, leaving the being free to focus on designing and living the change. Furthermore, as an addiction is an addiction, whether it be to alcohol, pornagraphy, masterbation, video games, tabbacco, sugar or other drugs, perhaps a description of this part of my process will assist others. That being said, there is much more that I care to say about the technical aspects of my perspective of the addiction energy entity, but at some point I’ve gotta address the self forgiveness, as this is another point of resistance within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have the right to choose to live my life without considering what is best for the universe of my physical body equally as one with all of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as “the freedom to choose” within my parameters of my perceptions, rather than the freedom to choose and decide to expand beyond my perceptions of limitations in each moment of expression  wherein I push through the walls of resistance to expand beyond my perception based routines and habits.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear opening up points of addiction and putting them out on the internet for fear of exposing who I am and how I’ve been “in secret” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the biggest problem within and as myself and the rest of humanity isn’t necessarily an addiction to this or that, but an addiction to the point of secrecy itself. Herein, I now realize that, real change begins with the unveiling/elimination of my secrets. And with writing out that, much of the energy of resistance within me just dissipated.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that, what I perceive I like is the best I am able to be, better than the unknown or that which I am unable to perceive.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the lie of believing that it’s better to be dishonest and be perceived as living righteously and having integrity, than it is to  live honestly within/as the integrity of standing honestly as who I am without righteousness. From this point, I commit to live honestly as I am in my process of eliminating the dishonesties/secrets, while pushing myself to change for the better with the primary goal of standing as a point of integrity on the path to understanding oneness, equality and what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should present a picture of myself as unflawed or with as few flaws as possible, without realizing and understanding that perfection is an ongoing, perhaps eternal process of recognizing, addressing and correcting the flaws and this is the journey that I have chosen and decided to walk.
To be continued in my next post

Sunday, May 14, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II, Analysis

A Dream of Being Lost - Part II
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From writing out part I of A Dream of Being Lost, I’ve been able to pinpoint various fears or energetic definitions of inferiority - that which I’ve been standing in fear of. For example, “out drinking” and “alcoholic” being at the beginning and the end of the dream indicate to me the primary fear that a part of me is pointing out to myself, which I am now in the process of facing by writing/righting it out of the mind to a more organized, more manageable view, my computer screen. In relation to alcohol, even though I’ve  moderated my alcohol consumption as I’ve grown older over the years, I am still  holding onto  a fear of falling back into a pattern of drinking excessively. Herein, an interesting point or lesson that I’ve learned in relation to fear is, that which I fear, if I hold onto it and keep charging it, will eventually manifest into and as my  reality. The reason this fear was coming up over the last couple of weeks had to with my plans to go to the Earthfest, Taiwan music festival for for the weekend. In the past, I had been to these kinds of festivals before and always ended up feeling like shit, driving home and for the next week because I had partied too much and burned myself out. Therefore, in pinpointing the fear, I considered how I was going to release it so not to manifest it as my  reality and instead, go have a fun weekend.

Having written out perhaps over a thousand pages of self-forgiveness and self-commitment/correction statements, I have realized one of many important points. Writing out and sounding self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements assist in releasing the fear energy; however, there is still the point of following through with the commitments in real time physical living so to manifest real change again and again as self trust expands to solidify the changes = self creation as the directive principle. Therefore, after sounding self-forgiveness and commitment statements in relation to this fear, I realized what I required to do was simply a matter of trusting myself to do as I had committed to do. It was actually quite simple: don’t drink too much and make sure I got to bed at a reasonable hour. This is exactly what I did on Friday night and Saturday. Then, on Sunday morning (today) as my old and new friends were having their beer breakfast, I was packing up my gear and getting ready to drive home, wash clothes, do some writing and take a walk. To sum it up, as with so many things I participate with in this world, including breathing polluted air and eating potato chips, not all of fun things are what’s best for my body. Thus, my goal is to manage myself in/as awareness of how I’m standing and this requires self-trust that I will in deed live my commitments as the directive principle determining in the moment who/how I am. In conclusion on this point, this weekend was a successful opportunity to do just that, build self trust within to create myself as the understanding that I am able to remain the directive principle even when surrounded by temptation.
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There is still some more points to look at from this dream and I will do that in part III

Monday, May 8, 2017

A Dream of Being Lost - Part I

In this dream, I had been out drinking somewhere and then I found myself trying to get back home, but I was lost. I wanted to go back to Taoyuan city, the place I’ve called home for many years now. So, I got on the back of rickshaw and the driver peddled his three wheeled cycle all over the place, but he didn’t take me home and I didn’t know where I was. In the next scene, a large angry man was confronting me as though I had done something to him or one of his friends who were standing behind him. I was frightened that he would hit me and I imagined having to hit him back and try to escape - not what I wanted to do. I started to speak and then as though to say, “not another word,” he raised his hand in the air as though he were contemplating hitting me. In the next scene, I was being chased. I ran into a shop and locked the door behind me. The shopkeeper offered no help to me and called the police. On the phone, it seemed as though the police were willing to come and help me, but they had no idea where I was and I was unable to tell them because I didn’t know, either. Then, I was walking with the phone and though the police stayed on the line for a long time, they finally had to go and I was once again alone. The last thing I heard from them were a series of numbers that I guessed were GPS coordinates that I could put into my phone to help my find my way home, but there were too many numbers for me to remember and once again I was lost and alone. Then I came upon a group of people building homes that looked very expensive and secure. These people seemed to be of high status or class, beautiful, almost perfect looking. One woman asked me what I did (meaning, what was my position in life). Thinking that they would be more likely to give me a ride if they thought I were of high status, I told them I was a professor at a local university - even though my job classification is Special Projects Instructor, kind of like a hire and fire at will position. The same woman said that they were Bahal (or Baha'i, of a religion I guess) and then she asked me why I didn’t like (the name of another religion).  I said, because I don’t believe in anything. I wanted to give her an explanation on this, but another woman chimed in as though it saddened her,  like she were going to cry. You’re just an alcoholic, she said. To that I replied, you got it right, you’re a smart one. And then I awoke. As a lot is opening up here, I will analyse this dream in the next post, part II

Monday, May 1, 2017

Obsessing over Perfection in Judgments of Comparison

Do I sometimes get obsessed, possessed or am I just or practical when it comes to buying stuff? I don’t recall exactly when I began to insist upon only (for the best for the money of course), but I guess it has to do with attempting to avoid buyer's regret. In some ways I appreciate this character trait, while in other ways it is often a hassle for me complete even the simplest of purchases. Perhaps, the hassle part is somewhat of an overstatement; for, I do sometimes enjoy the process of researching to buy something, at least when I have the time. However, I also realize that, there’s  a line between practical considerations and obsessing over getting the purchases right the first time.

For example, over the last few weeks, I had been considering which smartphone mount to buy for my new motorcycle. Now, the new motorscooter is in itself a whole other story wherein I could have bought one  months or a couple of years ago if didn’t “have to” research everything about the latest in scooters in order to be certain that I was getting the most suitable motorcycle for my needs and desires, one that I would be satisfied with for at least the next ten to twenty years. Thankfully I’m still satisfied with the one I purchased a few months ago. However, rarely does a day go by that I don’t look at other motorcycles in a form of comparison questioning to reassure myself that I  bought the correct/best one for me.

As for the smartphone mount, I initially bought one at Costco for about $33.00 because I had planned to use Google Maps on the scooter very soon. Still, I wasn’t sure if it were the one that I really wanted, so I didn’t even unpack it while I followed up on another option. The other option consisted of letting a local Yamaha dealer/mechanic handle the whole thing for me, including purchasing and installing it - total cost $66,00. I figured that, as these guys seemed to have the coolest add ons for their scooters, they would probably be using the best. Unfortunately, the best for them I guess was a mount that only supported Iphone 6. Therefore, when it came to using my Samsung, I ended up having buying an additional hard case and using 3M VHB adhesive tape to adhere the case of my phone to the lock which secured it onto the motorcycle mount with nothing more than a strip of strong adhesive tape. I turns out that, the back of my new case was just a piece of plastic, glued onto more plastic. Even though the motorcycle guy assured me that it would be secure, I didn’t consider it very safe. I’ve heard such assurances before and often ended up paying for my faith in them - either in worrying about something happening or something really happening. Thus, after only two days, I decided to try out the I had bought at Costco, which cost only half the price. As it turns out, that one works fine, looks better and is waterproof. Total cost for both mounts, $99.00 instead of $33.00.

I’m not beating myself up over the money, yet I consider I have a slight problem. Is it that I’m not deliberate or detailed enough when it comes to researching and buying something or is it that I’m too fastidious when it comes to the things I’ve bought? BTW, the $7.00 ones at the local hardware stores seem to do almost exactly the same thing.

In minding this point, the self-judgment that comes up is, I didn’t follow the simple logical steps of decision making. In other words, as the Costco product is easily returnable even after I’ve tried it out, I should have first, at least tried it out. Furthermore, having to use adhesive tape between my phone and the mount should have been a red flag  that I noticed right away. Am I getting slower, is my mind not what it used to be, or do I just not care that much anymore about such things - which is kind of the way I’d like to be, as in not so concerned or preoccupied with the little things.

Therefore, I have been directing myself as of late, to be less fastidious, letting the little things go while focusing on my priorities. For example, nowadays when I visit my partner in our home in the north of the island, I don’t nag her as I used to  about a few dirty dishes being left in the sink or the floor not being swept. Instead, I simply wash the dishes and sweep the floor. In the same way, I’ve directed myself to stop cleaning and organizing things all the time around my apartment. This has reduced the amount of time I spend tidying up my apartment, yet it has also let to a slightly messier apartment. What is the best way to be; where do I set my standards for doing things?

The answer is clear: it’s not about the things that I buy, the layout, cleanliness or quality of my environment, but who I am in relation my environment. There are too many variables, too much information for me to realistically ensure that every decision I make will lead to the best outcome in hopes of being perfectly equipped and having perfect surroundings. However, I am able to remain constant in determining who I am in relation to everything and not participate in judgment so not to fall into The Trap of Comparison. I redefine for myself the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.

I see that there’s never going to be absolute certainty other than in that I am always able to stop participating in energetic definitions or judgments of the things that I buy and use. Herein, it’s all about letting go of my perceptions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about buying and/or having items that are less than the best that I am able to purchase, instead of committing to determine my actual needs, doing reasonable research on what will fit those needs and buying with the certainty that I will not judge myself once it’s done.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck with something, as i’ve judged myself to be stuck with a second smartphone mount that I’m probably not going to use unless I buy an Iphone.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not being thorough or diligent enough in researching and buying things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess over decisions of which product to buy, in reaction to the fear of being stuck with products that I’ve judged to be less than the best.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare/judg things  that I bought or could buy, instead of letting go of the energetic judgments and using comparison to assist me in making decisions based on the strengths and weaknesses of the products.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not wanting to be wasteful; therein fearing being stuck with products that I have bought.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as having to live with something once I’ve bought, because I define buying another as wasteful.
I now see that, in buying stuff, there is no guarantee that I will get the best product for my needs. However, I am able to stop participating in self judgments in relation having bought or not having made the best decision. And this is what I’m going to do - stop judging myself. Additionally, I’m changing myself within and as the word, comparison. In terms of people, comparison is to look for the strengths and/or potential in others and bring these points back to myself as examples of how to better myself. In terms of products, comparison is to look for the strength and weaknesses for the purpose of understanding things better.