Saturday, February 18, 2017

Bedtime Writing that's not a Story

The thing about words is they really don’t lie. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not sure that, people really know what I mean. Which is to say, I’m not sure that I really know what I mean. Which is to say, I’m not really sure that I’m saying what I mean, the question is, why?

When I look at other people’s words, I read them, which is to say, I read the people. But am I really reading them or is it all me that I see in the words that I read? I guess it’s a combination of the two, the writer and the reader. When I see concern in someone’s words, I feel it, so in a sense the concern must be coming from or originating from within and as me. Or is that how communication actually works; the frequency of someone else's words written or spoken resonates within us and voilà, we’ve got communication?

Some moments ago, I was questioning my decision to write the way I’ve been writing lately. I’m not sure if it’s better to write honestly or to write correctly. The honesty is not pretty and there’s a dark and somewhat painful side to me that I would rather not have people see, but in order to write correctly, correct my writing to right me, I have to get down or go down another level. The words that I write only tell the surface story. Beneath that, though, there’s another story, one that I don’t have words for, not even pictures, but it’s there.

All of the points that seem big and small in our worlds are actually connected to deeper dimensions, deeper realms and what we perceive them to be in reality is but the surface presentation playing out in the design of this reality. For example, my aversion to authority didn’t arise from anything of this life, as far as I know. Yet, from a very young age, the words, “you have to…” used to trigger me. They don’t anymore, but they still trigger the memory of the experience.

I use what I call poetry to facilitate writing about something that I don’t really want to write about. For me, it’s poetry, at least. In one of my recent posts, I wrote something about being a madman, getting old and having unclear vision. I also wrote about knowledge and information, so much that offers so little. This world is a prison, a prism of minds. I can’t figure it out, so I’ve got to stop trying. The trap is to think that I can think my way through my thoughts. The trick is to just stop thinking about it and implement the solution. This is what I'm going to do, simplify the solution, implement it and with that, I'll say good night!

There's Got to be a Better Way

Continuing from where I left off, yesterday. I sent an email of amends, explaining how my mother had passed away last semester and how my eyes were painful, perhaps requiring surgery. What I didn’t say was how confused I remain in relation to so many points, except one. The only certainty is that I am always able to take the next step as best I am able and that, the places to hide are becoming fewer.

Yesterday, I came back to my apartment, planning to start school today, I walked into a shop to get some food and the woman said, hi, are you arriving to start school? Yea I start tomorrow, I replied, to which she replied, school doesn’t start until the twentieth, which was four days away. Wow, I thought I’m losing my mind or perhaps, I’m just going blind. Somehow, I had got it into my mind that I started school on Friday, the 17th, when it actually begins on the twentieth. I’m guessing that I just didn’t see clearly. But I must have skimmed over the date many times in the last month. So why would I hold onto that number, even though it was wrong? That’s what I sometimes do, hold onto information as though it’s true, even though it’s wrong. What  other information and knowledge have I assimilated as right, when it’s actually wrong? Have I been weaving the web more tightly around me, all the while believing that I was unweaving it, unwaveringly digging my hole ever deeper instead of climbing out of it. I have made an appointment for this week to go and see an eye doctor.

The email of amends that I sent, seems to have worked to bring the words back to a level of communication and cooperation and that’s what I commit to do, cooperate more humbly. However, I will still remain with my stand/commitment to write just one more set of education materials this semester, as a matter of prudence so not to risk becoming overextended when new obligations arise as they always do.

The other day I imagined a story of a donkey who worked hard because he wanted to impress others with how much of a load he could carry. The donkey thought his master would appreciate him and perhaps feed and care for him more if he carried more of the load. The donkey was wrong and the master just kept on demanding more, as though the man was unconcerned for the wellbeing of the donkey. Finally, the donkey had had enough. Not being able to get his message across to his master, he did the only thing left to do. In an act of desperation, he sat down and just refused to move. Finally, the master took notice and asked him what the problem was. To this, the donkey replied, I may be a donkey, but I’m not a jackass. Of course, I am the donkey in this story.

Years ago, I had written a play that won first place in a regional competition. Wanting to be national champions, the management ordered to work more, even during my lunchtimes to rewrite the play and better train the students. I had thought that I would have been rewarded, but instead I was forced to do more, so much more that I began experiencing pains in my chest and I started to become frightened that I would have a heart attack. Finally, the anger and blame inside of me overwhelmed me and I just quit. At the time, I blamed my experiences on the management, but now I see that I always had a choice.

Last semester, when I saw my new schedule with eight teaching hours in a row with only a lunch break, I became very shaken. I remembered the pains in my chest and I knew that meetings would sometimes be called during those lunch times, thereby leaving me to work for nine hours straight or disobey orders. I wrote emails and I talked to administrative people, begging them to change my schedule, but hey just pointed fingers at different departments and said it’s their responsibility. Finally, in an act of desperation, I said I would stop all cooperation in developing new lessons (that bring in additional funds for the school) and start looking for another job. I had been down this road before and I wasn’t going to go there again. My schedule got changed later that day and this is where my confusion lies. There’s got to be a better way. There is a better way and this is why I write.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Authority and the Battle Within

It seems to be a thing with me, so much so that I’m beginning to think it must be me. Authority figures, I’ve never appreciated them, nor even liked them. I’ve feared them and avoided them. I even threw eggs at their cars and then ran away. I wish they would just leave me alone, but they’re not gonna leave me alone, are they?  Yea, I’m mad, a madman. I don’t remember when I wasn’t and I can only imagine what it’s like not to be one.

I have skills and the desire to use them, especially when it comes to using words. This makes me a useful commodity to have around at institutions that want to enter and win contests such as those that call for the use of targeted words. I have also realized that, these words can be targeted towards another for the purpose of causing harm. However, a more in depth analysis into the actual harm caused by using words in such a way (as swords) reveals that the one wielding the pen as the sword will always end up paying the real price. Thus, I write to look into me to see where it is that I as my words are not standing equal with my deeds.

The story is the same: I get asked to participate in writing materials; I agree to write to an extent and then, more jobs get piled onto my back. I attempt to back out of some of the work and then they say, “no, you already agreed.” Yes, but that was before more work was piled onto me, I reply, but it’s too late. It’s a conundrum for me, because it seems that the more one volunteer to do, the more one is forced to do. It seems that, the more you give, the more they will demand. Thus, those that give nothing at all, have very little demanded of them, but they get paid the same amount as I. This is another one of my problems, but it’s not really about money.

In a recent email exchange, email I stated that I would do one more. To that, they replied, “OK, but if we can’t find anyone else to do the other, you’re responsible.” I’m thinking to myself time, time and time again, it heals really nothing at all.

Actually, I am healing, but there seems to be a sore within me that never gets fully cleansed. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, so, what the hell am I going to do. Nothing left to do, but attempt to explain and make amends. No, wonder so many choose war over dialogue and cooperation, the ego stays fed. Even though it’s not what I desire to do, I’m going to write that email, targeting my words  at reconciliation instead of war. I’ll come back and finish this after it’s done. It’s done, but I don’t feel any better. I see that there must be a point that I’m missing, a point wherein I’m not taking complete self-responsibility.

One point is perhaps, the conditioning my sounds hidden in my words, sounding as though I’ve agreed, while actually I’ve placed-in back-doors, “legal technicalities” for me to weasel out, should I feel the need. There are lessons to be learned here and I will share them with those who will listen. I’m getting old, my eyes are not clear, but that’s not the real problem. The real problem has to do with my attachment to information and knowledge. Perhaps, I should say, the way I attach information and knowledge onto me, latching onto it as though it were real. I’ll continue this tomorrow if I remember 😶😶😶.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Who am I as a Virus

One of the tactics I have been using of late, whenever my mind begins acting up, is to ask myself, who am I. It is cool because, usually in that moment, with that question, the “I” as the answer jolts back into place, the chatter stops and I once again stand as the directive principle. Last week, I apparently attracted and caught or perhaps activated a flu virus, which gave me pause to once again consider the nature of the viruses and who I am as one with them.

Do viruses activate within us for the purpose of harming us or are they there to assist and support us? I choose to define them as supportive, albeit it sometimes very painful. But is it even fair to say that the virus itself is painful? Apparently, viruses, even those supposedly new ones being discovered, have been with us for a long time, encoded throughout the generations into our DNA and ready to activate at any time.

When I look at what the viruses do, it seems to me that their function in so many ways may be to cleanse the body. What happens when we get the flu; we’re uncomfortable for a while and all sorts of strange stuff begins coming out of the body. Every time I cough up those gobs of phlegm, I feel as though I am getting rid of something that should not be inside of me. That stuff coming out of me is stuff I want to get rid of and I want to keep it out of me.

Another point I have noticed in relation to the flu, is that I slow down, remember to drink lots of liquids, get plenty of sleep and so on. If it is an emergency or something very serious, I will take antibiotics. However, I prefer to take antibiotics only as a last resort, either when I am just unable to devote the time to recuperating on my own or when there is a risk of doing permanent damage to my physical body.

I don’t have the evidence to say without a doubt that, viruses are supportive or harmful to the physical body. However, I will say that the only way I see to stand as the determining factor in who one is, is to take complete responsibility for all things in relation to who one is. Herein, when it comes to activating and hosting a flu virus, I do not see it as an attack or an intrusion, but as an opportunity (albeit sometimes uncomfortable and untimely) to refocus on my physical body, communicate with the various parts, including the virus and work together as is best for all of the body. After all, once the virus has done its thing and body has recuperated, do you think the virus is going to just disappear? Of course not, it remains as one with the physical body. Even though,  not everything of my body is as I would have it, I am still going to embrace it, because it is part of me, an inseparable part of who I am.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Communication Creation, Feb, 11, 2017

Image result for desteni creation
So, I had an epiphany in relation to communication creation. Now it is a question of changing my knowing to an understanding. However, before I even post that sentence with the word, epiphany, I am going to check the internet for (let’s call it) a common understanding of the word. Then, I am going to check my own definition to see if they are both aligned in-order to communicate my intention as best I am able.  Not really as best I am able, but close enough for now.

Epiphany (according to Merriam-Webster): “a (1) :  a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) :  an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) :  an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b :  a revealing scene or moment.” Yes, epiphany is the word I will choose to use here, for now.

What was my epiphany about? Words and the communication creation process, that has been compromised by a lack of awareness of how we communicate to create from the within of ourselves to the without of the world system. At this moment, I am not in a position to verbalize clearly or type out everything I know, because it is still a knowing, not an understanding. However, I  will (over time) pull this knowing out of me, piece by piece to place it here and there to see where it fits as I rewrite and revise until it is right and all of the pieces fit into place.  

I had read that, Jesus said to become the living word or something like that, but, I did not understand the dynamics or science behind such a statement. However (and this is where my epiphany comes in), I am now beginning to see the science or relationship lines embedded into and as the words as the tools of communication, the tools of creation. Now, the process for me is to extract, for lack of a better word or technique as of yet, the essence of my knowing, so to change myself from a knowing to an understanding.

Do these sentences look scrambled? From my perspective, they are extremely scrambled; nevertheless, this is my method or process of extracting and unscrambling information from inside of me. Sometimes, it's like pulling relevant information out of the air, but most of the time it's like extracting a deep splinter that been embedded close to the bone. Thus, I often end up utilizing a lot of time and many words to write right, just one sentence to the point, that I am satisfied that my intention embedded into the sentence will be communicated clearly and not easily be misinterpreted or misrepresented. This is not to say that the sentence is complete, but that my intention embedded into and as the words of the sentence is aligned with what I intend to communicate/create in consideration of those to whom I am communicating.

For example, in searching for a clear definition of the word, democracy, I probably ended up writing fifty to one-hundred pages, often setting the project down for a while, then going back to it, revising it here and there, until I arrived at the following. Democracy is a form of collective decision-making, wherein the degree of democracy expressed by the collective is equivalent to the degree by which all members of the collective have the opportunity to participate equally in all of the decision-making processes that affect the collective. It sounds simple enough; so, why did it take me more than a year to come up with?

Why must one write so many words just to arrive at one clear, succinct definition of intention to then communicate one's intention? The answer (in short) is because, I/we have entangled ourselves into and as so many different definitions, embedded in our words, thereby contradicting or countermanding with unrealized meanings, the intent of our communication, which ends up compromising our communication, thereby creating unintended outflows.

Words cast in spells, mold the clay that form the world.
From the within to the without, communication-creation requires two or more. This is why redefining our words in order to be certain of our intentions - as the main ingredients embedded into and as our words - is an essential step in the communication/creation process.  However, even though one's communication may be of a benevolent starting-point, this does not necessarily mean that his or her communication will result in benevolent outflows. Why? Because the complete “meaning” of the words cast in spells, that molded the clay into and as the world, has not been understood.

This is perhaps another dimension of the communication/creation process, one that I intend to explore and perhaps unveil. That being said, the journey may take quite some time. Thus, I will include this renewed purpose in my personal process. After all, as communication creation requires two or more, what we create will never be anything more or better than the least each other's intentions, even the suppressed and/or hidden ones.   Hence, the importance of each one's personal process.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Tools of Creation

I know, I am aware and I understand, but what's the difference? Some may think this question quite strange, and in the past, I was hesitant to expose myself as such a quest. I wrote and I wrote for a time, until I reached a point, wherein I did not perceive or calculate the answers in mind any further. So, I stopped for a time and waited for a sign, something other than a knowing.

Which would you say is better to utilize, knowledge derived from ledgers of legends based on calculations of minds that view everything from different perspectives, or the knowings of certainty for which there are no quantifiable, visible explanations? It is confusing and challenging sometimes to organize words coherently, romanize them from left to right to communicate in ways that other eyes are willing to look at and consider. Nevertheless, we are able to do so. So, here I go with the aim of better understanding so to communicate more clearly as I go.

I know, I am aware and I understand, but which One am I?
  1. If I know (no) something, I am of course not that thing. So, why would we use such a sentence with the intention to communicate understanding of that thing?
  2. If I am aware, of what (clay) am I a ware, or where exactly am I? I use “aware” quite often, but am I using it as effectively as I am able, effectively enough to communicate specifically and create in the same moment? No, I am not. Hence, quest to understand why and how I/we are able to correct the usage of our words.
  3. If I understand, what exactly is it that I am standing under and supporting?

We create our wor(l)d with words of life, but are we living the words of the wor(l)d that we care to create? Symbolically speaking, words of life (L) are the tools by which we create our wor(L)d. Unfortunately, I guess that the instruction manual explaining how to properly use words (as tools of creation) was misplaced or secreted somewhere, leaving mankind in somewhat of a predicament.

Hence, the necessity to write to understand, explain and correct such lines of words by which we have sentenced ourselves to create without understanding the tools of creation. When and as I/we write right, letters as symbols, in ways that are best for all, the words in essence become alive, as living words, creating what is best for all, which is  right for all.  

As to what direction I head, it is the same as I have been, a journey to understand what is here. However, I now see there is “more” than just understanding what is here as life. Here is also the opportunity to live and express equally as one with life. Yet, in order to realize “the more,” what is best for all, I/we, must understand the creation process, which is how we create what is here, written in and as the spells of words.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Navigating the Currents so not to be Swept Away

Walking through the Currents while not being Moved by them; swimming through the ocean, enjoying the calm and the churn, doing as I determine, instead of wasting away focusing on and fighting what does not fall into place or go my way, dancing with the wolves sounds cool, too. Essentially, I am looking at ways to walk through the waves of energy, while still determining who I am in all ways.

Although, my whole life has been like a roller coaster ride of energy waves and spikes of highs and lows, I now realize that I am able to determine who I am, how I am, regardless of the highs and lows of energy circulating through my body. In other words, Just because I physically feel different degrees of energy circulating through my physical body, does not mean that I have to accept such degrees as definitions of who I am - as in being happy or being sad. In communicating with my physical, I have often stated that, I as awareness here, am determined to stand equally as one with the physical, which includes experiencing to understand equally the the pain that the physical endures. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.

We have all experienced pain, but have we been aware of the pain of our physical bodies? Have we stood equally as one within and as that pain? Have we shared the burden of what we three as mind, being and body have together created? My guess is we have not. Instead, our physicals have been carrying the burden, while we ignored the pain and/or medicated it out of awareness. I guess furthermore, that this is about to change and that the energies that I have been experiencing more of late, that which I have been complaining about (sorry about that), is going to get worse before it gets better. Herein, I best be clear how I will stand in response, so not to fall into reaction.

When and as I find myself entering into or experiencing accumulated energies defined as feeling good, I commit to slow down and not to allow myself to indulge in the  euphoria of experience, because I realize that, to indulge in the euphoria is to invite the despair, consuming the substance of the physical body for the substantiation of the mind at the cost of my being here. The same rules apply to that which I have defined as neutral and/or low currents of energy flowing through me, within and as me.  When and as I find myself searching for external causes upon which to blame by energetic experiences, I commit to flag such points as warning signs of the energetic mind fields ahead, awaiting to possess me, should I continue down that path. Hence, as soon as I notice that I am entering into a belief or perception that these energetic storms within me have been caused by something out there, I commit to support myself and stand, even in the worst of storms, by expanding myself to move while not participating in and as such storms.

Practically, this means that I must consistently check my focus to see that I am moving physically through each moment, doing things by pushing the points and not being moved by the energies within. Therefore, today, I am going to go out and look at cars, instead of waiting for an opportunity to come to me.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Horrible Neighbors or Horrible Me - Part 7

In previous posts: parts onetwothreefourfive and six, in which I have written over the last three years, I explained many of the details relating to this case. It all started when some of the 90 degree, four sided roofs in our community began having problems with their roofs.  The building company offered to take full responsibility for these problems, but 4-5 people in the community decided that all of the roofs - even the majority there are of a different design, were defective and dangerous. Thus, they demanded that the building company pay a huge sum of money, much more than it would cost to replace all of the roofs. The only ones who refused to go along with what I would call extortion, were my partner and I. Thus, the community (led by the gang of five) sued us, claiming that (1) we were bad neighbors and must be forced out of our home and (2) that our roof was dangerous and must be replaced.

Even though the community lost both the lower and higher court cases against the building company, the attacks and abuse against us have not stopped. Just the other day, one of the gang said very nasty things to my partner in public. I guess he feels he can get away with this kind of behavior because, each time we have pressed charges, the prosecutor has said the evidence was insufficient, even though we had recordings and he didn’t deny speaking the words. Needless to say, we are going to continue to press charges. Another one of the gang has continued to make false statements and write false papers (for which we have proof) and use them against us. Meanwhile, my partner continues to study the law, and as she is learning very rapidly, she is now handling all of the cases.  

Unfortunately or fortunately (only time will tell), the judge ruled against us in one of the first cases and ordered us to replace  our roof. Based on my interpretation of her statement, even though our roof is not dangerous now, it could be dangerous in the future. Therefore, in order to avoid wasting time and money on future court cases, it is better to replace it now. For me, this is like telling the owner of a car that, even though his car is not dangerous now, he must replace it now because it could be dangerous in the future. Logically speaking, the judge ignored the law on just about eight counts. Furthermore, if we were to apply her reasoning to every roof in Taiwan, almost  all of the homeowners would be required to replace their roofs, even the ones in our community that have just been replaced. Needless to say, we are appealing this decision to the higher court.  This time however, my partner is handling the case.

At this point, some readers may be asking, why fight it, why not just give in, pay the money and get on with life? I have also asked myself this question many times; why not just pay the money and move away? For sure, it’s war, wherein there will be no winners. However, there are learners and I am one of them. I am certain that the ground on which my partner and I stand is correct; thus it is only a question where to draw the line on which we will remain standing.

The most difficult part for me in all of this, has been to live by my commitment to work within the system and not fight dirty. Draw the line here or draw it there; eventually we are all going to have to draw it somewhere and take a stand. Herein, I learn to work openly and honestly within the constraints of the system.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Self Analysis of my Words

Image result for fibonacci spirals
After writing some pages and getting some supportive perspective on it, I decided to go through what I wrote to see what patterns I am able to identify and perhaps correct them.
  1. To be honest, it is getting more difficult to lie in perceptions of separation, as though I were any different (but in perception) than any of the other I’s (symbolized as WE), a grouping of segments of one line – O – the symbol of life. What I was attempting to communicate here is a sense of futility. When I look at the words of almost every sentence I write, I imagine webs of patterns of symbols going every which way, but even when I look as far as I can imagine, I reckon these patterns, all of them end up ultimately in the same exact place. Meaning, no matter which way I write the sentences, they all seem mean, meaning that none of them seem to mean anything at all. A as I am aware of seeing, all that I write is of consciousness energy, illusion - which btw for me translates to ill-us(ed)-ion/energy
  2. I am not happy and I am not sad; reality is an illusion; yet, it as I exist as one with all that is here with nowhere better or worse to go and nothing else to do but remain to change the definitions of the words as symbols by which I have sentenced myself. This is me showing desperation, not hopelessness, but resignation. In other words, as far as I am able to determine of myself in relation to everything else, all my perceptions are untrue or lies. Here is however, a certainty within and as me, a speck that is the reason, by purpose for being. This purpose is the reason I am able to say with certainty, I will keep going, keep moving and I guess this is one of the keys to self-creation.
  3. What do I mean? Does it matter what I mean? What if I replace, “mean” with “kind”, what do I kind, what kind am I?  Would this change anything? No, because, each word as an accumulation of symbols of one line are all one and of the same line. Which is to say that, we are all pieces of the same puzzle, ID's of the same line. Thus, the solution is all, in and as the words by which each piece of the line define itself in relation to all others. Here, I am attempting to connect the Fibonacci spiral design-(as I imagine it)-construct of consciousness and this entire physical reality, I guess, with the design of letters, to words to sentences, by which we sentence ourselves to the design of our words as letters or symbols of THE SAME LINE. In other words, all of my thoughts, experiences and so on, represented by the lines of symbols by which we interpret reality, are of one line of energy, originating from what we call the whole, which I guess refers to the original hole in substance, perhaps the original sin. If we look back at the beginning of our current existence, I guess what we would see a hole, surrounded by darkness, from which a line of energetic light-bulbs, of awareness spiraling (just like the Fibonacci spiral) endlessly inward. Imagine being one one of those blips of light, twinkling like a star in the night. Even though, we imagine ourselves to be separate from one another, we are in truth, equally as one, all of the same line. This is what I perceive in the sentences I write, but am I really righting them or just making sense out of them. Perhaps, understanding oneness and equality does not require changing the design of existence. Perhaps,the key is to understand what we are and make the best of our situation.
  4. There is chatter on the internet about Disclosure. The benevolent extraterrestrials are coming to save us from the evil ones among us, and then they are supposedly going to upgrade our DNA to twelve strands so that we can ascend – something according (or discording) to that. What is the irony in the words of these sentences, such as “the benevolent ones coming to save us from the evil ones”? How about the irony in, “to be honest, it’s getting more difficult for me to lie”?  Here, I gave into my frustration and instead of righting myself with words, I sentenced or condemned myself further by feeding my experience of frustration. Thus, instead, I will say the following. Yes, there is good and bad, as well as evil and benevolence. However, as all are of the same line of energetic I's, symbolized as WE, we are all, equally as one, both the good and the bad. Therefore, pointing our fingers in blame is really-not going to correct anything. Instead, we require to realize that, we are all one and the only way we are going to sort out or correct the whole/hole is by cooperating. In other words, we must stop pushing and pulling, i.e., stop arguing and we must work together because, what one does unto another, one does unto itself as one with the whole.
  5. The irony of iron ore… is that, the ore/or as an idea of choice is but an illusion of choice. Just as, “extra” in extraterrestrial might be interpreted to mean that which is separate or different from the “terrestrials on earth; there is no real separation. As above, so below = as we are in heaven high above, so are we in hell below, lost in the hole within and as the whole. This is why we greet one another with, Hi, signifying heaven, and Hello, signifying hell below?  In other words, hi and hello have the same meaning because they are one in and as the same. As within so without = as we participate within (the illusion of our minds) so do we create the entity we each call our own realities.  As we sow so shall we reap. The irony of iron-ore popped up a long time ago and it has been a question (of my mind) ever since. In studying plasma technology that Dr Keshe has been teaching, I reckon I’ve finally figured out what the irony of iron ore is. Basically, there is no or as in a choice of ores. Why? Because,  the ore/or all of the same substance.
The basic pattern I've noticed is that, I have a tendency to over analyze. I know where everything leads; yet still I fight for my identity, my right to fight to find another way through the web. Letting go of my beliefs is not really a "letting go" so much as it is a process of deconstruction. I must understand how I constructed myself, so to deconstruct myself, piece by piece, while also creating a new me. What a long, strange trip it is.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

As Year of the Rooster Begins

Image result for year of the rooster 2017
The Chinese say that, whatever is not resolved throughout the year is best resolved before the beginning of the New Year. That is like saying it is better to live a long life than it is to live a short life. Of course, it makes sense to resolve issues before the beginning of the New Year. It also makes sense to resolve them before the beginning of the next month, the beginning of next week or the next day. To hell with procrastinating, let’s just solve our issues before the next breath. For me, that  is easier said than done. In fact, sometimes I think (oxymoronic humor) that, resolving issues is a never-ending battle in a dream that only ends with a-wake-ening. In short, as soon as I resolve one point, another one pops up; thus, I am as I began the year of the pig, still in the process of resolving me.

In looking honestly (to a degree of uncertainty) into me, I perceive and sometimes see the battle from the within to the without. Of course, I realize that the cause of the war that begins within is of energetic perceptions or illusions based on uncertainties, experienced as fear and projected outward to form my skewered perceptions of what I loosely call my reality, but this knowledge of reality does not make walking through the world system of humanity any more pleasant – just a little more bearable.  

Where is all this mumbo-jumbo coming from? Energy and/or the lack thereof, of course. It is a lowly feeling of it in the pit of my stomach that just refuses to go away. In so many ways, it is a battle for control of my identity, the “who I am” in relation to my reality, which begs to question, what is reality, what is real, really? One part of me, my mind in relation to the physical sensations emanating from the pit of my stomach, reminds me that this experience is a problem, foreboding of doom and gloom that I must worry about; while another voice, my beingness (I guess) says to remain calm and stable, see the physical reality to walk through the illusions to realize that, experience is not a problem, but an opportunity for me to question, once again, who I am, and from this point, decide how I care to be, so to create me as I care to become.

Overall, as the Year of the Pig comes to an end, I am able to say honestly (for lack of anything more important to do) that, I am very thankful for the opportunity to be where I am, even though I still do not experience any happiness or joy. Why am I thankful? Because, within this opportunity, as the question in the quest to determine who I am, which = how I stand to become in relation all, I have come to realize to an extent, how I have been, which is definitely not how I ever again care to be, e.g., uncaring, irresponsible, frightened… That being said, and in the interest of getting this out of my stomach and off of my chest before the beginning of the New Year (of the Rooster), I will also state for the record that, I have come to realize that my personal experiences of hell have always originated “only” from within and as me, which is to say that, the hell cometh from out there hath no fury like the hell that cometh from myself. :)

I feel better already and although, this year seemed to be more difficult for me; in reality, I am now dealing with my issues far better than I used to. In other words, whereas, in the past I would have reacted internally in anxiety or  fear to so many situations, these days I trust (myself) so much more, to the point that I am certain I will do as best I am able, which is all anyone requires doing.  After all, what is the end of the year, but a new year. 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Am I changing me from within or is something inside of me is changing Me

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I wonder sometimes if every now and then, a new or different being jumps inside of me and perhaps the one that was in there before, jumps out or perhaps we merge to something somewhat different. I remember when I was around 9 or 10, maybe even 13. I was walking up the street, pondering my existence: why am I here, where did I come from and how did everything all begin, that sort of thing. The answer as to how everything all began was clear enough to me. As a big blue blob with nothing more to learn and no more challenges to be found, we exploded into gazillion pieces with the mission, go forth to learn what else there is to be understood. However, I also remember thinking to myself, I hate it here. Actually, I wasn’t so much thinking to myself, as much as I was talking to the voices inside of my head. I really did hate where I was. I felt like the entire scene that I was trapped in, was sooo beneath me. So much so that I literally asked, requested and even begged to have someone replace me. This is why I sometimes I wonder, especially when something of me changes suddenly, something that I did not initiate consciously within awareness. 

The change I am talking about has to do with the entertainment I watch on my computer. For many years, as far back as I remember, I preferred to watch action packed, often quite violent TV. For instance, until a couple of months ago, The Walking Dead was my favorite show. Nowadays however, I find The Walking Dead to be quite so-so, almost even lame. Instead, I now prefer watching simple, silly TV shows and I am also watching a lot less entertainment altogether. This is a point that I haven't quite figured out, so I figured I would write it down as part of my journal. There is one more point that I would like to point out, not as big a deal as letting go of the addiction to violent TV shows, but noteworthy nonetheless. The energy ensemble that I have been hearing inside and around my head, off and on for about the last eight years or so, has suddenly seemingly increased its intensity, meaning it is a lot louder. What does this mean? I have some guesses, but they are a little too far out there, even for me to be writing down. BTW, I guess that the reason I suddenly stopped watching violent TV shows has to do with changing my attitude in relation my physical body. I am now caring for myself much more than I used to. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Purpose and Responsibility

Purpose, purpose, purpose, I have been considering this again today. The problem is not that I have none, but what I imagine it to be, is perhaps just a little beyond reality. I have always been certain that I and everyone else is capable of doing anything and everything, even flying, walking through walls and so on. It is not even a belief; it is a certainty within me. I am not sure why so many do not see this. Perhaps they do, but do not say. Walking through walls, flying through the sky and other stuff that we would probably classify, as super-human traits are not super-human at all, but abilities that we have lost with our acceptances of the limitations of the laws of the playground we call this reality. My guess is that, these laws will be changing soon enough. Nonetheless, I state this, not because my purpose is to defy the current laws of gravity or walk through walls, but because I am certain there are no limitations to our reality that we do not adhere unto ourselves. Thus, when I look at the purpose I am able to live, I do not see any limitations, which begs the question, should not my purpose be the best that I am able to be, that which is best for all? Of course, it should.

Actually, it just occurs to me that I figured out my issue with purpose, just this morning and probably long before that. Purpose is like the present; it only exist here. My problem has been that, I have been looking at purpose as a projection of the future and the changes that I care personally to see. However, what I have not been considering, beyond my uncertainty of “what the hell is my responsibility,” is that, the past as well as the future do not exist and they never will but within and as moments of here given to memories of the past and the projections of the future. Herein, I and everyone else are only responsible for doing the best that each one is able to do in each moment, which brings me again to my quest, what is the best that I am able to do right now? Am I on some level, holding back my awareness of my abilities so as not to have to face self-responsibility? 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

My Story is still Mystery

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Although I have said many times that, my purpose is me, I still find that my purpose does not always come naturally. In other words, often when I enter into new situations or return to the similar situations, I find that I still require to ask myself, who am I right now in relation to the room I in? Immediately, the words, “equality, oneness and what is best for all” come up and I consider if I am self-honestly in word and deed, standing as what is best for all right now. In all honesty, the certainty is still a guess, which brings me back to purpose. In the past, I wrote with a certainty or so it seemed that, I would not have come to this place without a plan; my mission is I usually call it. I have also said with the same certainty that, there is a plan beyond the plan I most readily see or comprehend, I guess I would call that one plan B, lol. How does all of this relate back to purpose? When I look into my eyes, I see me as a being, just floating in there and I do not care to be that which just floats around and observes anymore.

There, I said it – observes. This point of observing, I have always been aware of it and I have been cool with it until now I guess. I guess there is a time for observing and a time for doing. My reasoning for observing time manifest into outflows during the last 8-10 years has been that I first required changing myself more to prepare to do more. However, in doing more, such as inputting into the education system and occasionally writing on topics such as democracy, for the global consciousness, I question if I am doing enough. The answer that comes back to me like something bouncing from mirror to mirror is that, these things take time to manifest and I agree. I guess this relates to the within to the without

I tell myself that it is time for my beingness to wake up; however, I still wonder about my purpose. To stand equally as one as what is best for all sounds cool and specific; however, when it comes to words and deeds in relation to various situations, the questions within me arise. What are the words to say and what are the best deeds to live. I guess it is not so much to plan on what to say or what to do in different situations; perhaps, it's better to practice simply living these principles in the little things of day to day living.

Monday, December 12, 2016

In looking into me, I see it is time to wake Up

Recently, I initiated some life changes beyond what I had previously been focusing on in my overall process of changing myself. For the most part, these changes are in relation to better caring for my physical body. That being said, I have noticed a lot of beneficial changes, including the rings under my eyes lightening up a little and my eyes often seem to be open wider. This brings me to a point I spoke about in a vlog I did about a month ago. When I look into the mirror, into my eyes, I see me, a being deep down in there. However, it is like I am just there as a presence, aware. I do not see any drive or determination to do this or that; it is more like I am just there. This perplexes me to an extent because; I figured that, who I am as a being would be more assertive, rather than just standing there.

Honestly, in looking at this point, I wonder who is running this show. Sure, as a being, there is a certainty within and as me, but it seems to be patient one, content perhaps to watch as history unfolds. Who is in charge, I wonder. When I look into me, I do not see the internal drive so much as I do a certainty that has no fear of or regards for time, which brings me to the point of mind. As consciousness, I question everything, I search for answers and I push myself change me in so many ways. I just wonder why I as a being seem to move so slowly as though the story has already been written.

Who am I when I write? Am I the beingness or am I the mind? Perhaps I am both and of course, I am the physical body, too, or is that now, three cooperating as one? I guess this is what I get when I look into the mirror at me. I am not sure exactly who is speaking right now; however, I am certain that, it is time for the one inside of me to wake up.

Friday, December 2, 2016

A difficult experience for which I am Grateful

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I guess it is time a good time to finish writing about this subject. My mother died on October 25 in the USA. When I got the call, it was the 26th for me. I guess you are supposed to be sad when someone dies, but I do not seem to get that way, even though I considered my mom to be very awesome, a gift to me. I was glad that she had lived such a full life and had passed away on her terms, at home in her bed, rather than one of those care facilities.

Anyway, I stopped what I was doing and I prepared to fly to the US to be with family and friends. The next day, I got on an airplane and began the 30-hour journey across the globe. It was a horrible journey. I was stuck between two people most of the time. I wanted to stretch out and walk around, but everyone just seemed to sit there as though as though it were normal. I did get up and move around sometimes, but even in the aisles, it was so crowded.

When I arrived in Virginia, I felt okay, but I was not. Apparently, while in Georgia, crossing through customs, I had squatted down to tie my shoe and pulled a tendon connected to my knee. It took some time for me to feel the pain, but it came and I limped a lot. Then, on the second day in the US, I began to notice a pain in my stomach. I felt so tired and I thought it was just the time difference, but it was not. My sister Maureen recognized my symptoms immediately. She said I had diverticulitis, a stomach infection, and that I needed to take antibiotics right away. I do not like taking antibiotics, so I drank some vinegar instead.  Dan’s wife, Cathy, who is a nurse, took my temperature and told me something was definitely wrong. I called my brother Jim, the medical doctor in the family. He prescribed some very strong antibiotics for me and told me not to eat any meat or drink any alcohol. Thus began my push, as a point of certainty within me, to either change my lifestyle or die. I decided to remain here and in looking back on that experience, I am very thankful for it.

The points that I am working with right now consist of learning how to care for the body, mind and being, equally as one. In other words, it is not enough only to eat right, exercise and eliminate the alcohol from my diet. Actually, I am not exactly sure where the life path that I am walking to live, will bring me. However, I am sure that it requires I take more responsibility in relation to the care in which I relate to others and myself. I used to fear this point of responsibility for the uncertainty that I attached to the point and projected onto my external reality. However, do not fear this point anymore and I am sure this is the result of the process I have been walking, from consciousness to awareness, which is I am probably going to discuss a lot more in the future. For now, I will say that, I move to understand and live my potential. I realize that I have much more to write; however, for the most part, my process right now has to do more with physically righting myself on a day-to-day basis in each moment.