The Antagonist

The other night at a little after 6:00 pm, I stopped off at an OK Mart on my way to the night market because I wanted to buy some hand wipes. While in the store, I used the store toilet, and when I came out of the bathroom, I picked up a pack of hand wipes and went to the counter to pay for them. When I handed the store clerk the hand wipes, she looked at them, scoffed and stated, “You're only getting this!” or something like that. I handed her 100NT, and in Mandarin Chinese I asked her, “how much is it?” Instead of telling me the price, she said in the Taiwanese dialect, “I don't understand.” So I said to her (again in Mandarin), “I'm speaking the national language; how much is it?” Again she said in Taiwanese, “I don't understand, bye! Bye!”

Viewing her words and actions towards me as very strange, rude to be precise, I asked her why she was being rude to me, a customer; was it because I was a foreigner; had foreigners been rude to her? Then I asked her where the manager was, if she was a worker or the manager. This time, she replied in perfect Mandarin that, she was the owner. I said, OK, perhaps I will write a letter the corporate office; what is this store's address and store number? To this, she did not reply. So, I decided to take a photo to get the GPS tag for the record, and that's when I guess she snapped.

When she saw me taking a photo with my smartphone, she said something to the affect of, you can't take pictures in here. Then, as she was yelling something (I think she was ordering me to delete the picture/pictures), she started moving quickly towards me from behind the counter as though she was going to attack me. Actually, it was clear to me that she was intent on physically taking my phone from me. So, as I was moving backwards towards the exit, I took another photo (for evidence), and just as I was doing that, she lifted her clipboard and slammed it down on my head. Yes, last night at an OK Mart across from the night market, I would say that, not only was I the target of discrimination, but I was also physically attacked. Luckily, I had been wearing my motorcycle helmet the whole time, and although I was not physically harmed, I was a somewhat shaken up by this strange incident.

Later, in considering this incident, I talked to my friend, a local high school teacher. He suggested that we go right back over there and demand an apology. I instead suggested that we wait until tomorrow; I noticed that throughout entire incident, there had been a I point of curiosity within me – as though another part of me were watching the action unfold. So I determined to first write this point out to understand what really happened there.

In taking a closer, more self-honest look at this incident, I realize that I could have simply walked out of the store and left the store clerk to her own emotions, but I didn't because I experienced myself as being insulted for being discriminated against, and that's when the point of curiosity arose within me, at the same time I was going into stealth attack mode.

Here in some more self-honest reflection on the subject of discrimination, I go back a few weeks to when I was up in the mountains listening to a man belittle someone of another race. Although I didn't understand everything he was saying, I did realize that he was verbally mocking this person in discrimination of her for her race. I didn't say anything, and because he was the host of the barbecue, I imagined that it was all in fun, and I simply laughed it off. Now I see that discrimination is not something to laugh about; it's not so funny when it happens to me.

Some time ago I wrote that, one who stands by and does nothing while a child is abused is first hand the abuser. I now see, realize and understand that this also applies to one who stands by and does nothing while another verbally abuses, discriminates against another even from behind that person's back. Here, in realizing what I have accepted and allowed, I will continue to write out these points of acceptances and allowances within and as me so to understand the nature of me, where I now am so to right these points on the journey of self correction to change the nature of me to one of integrity in relation to all.

When I “honestly” look deeper and deeper into me, I see the point of me avoiding facing a part of me, part of the nature of me that I still hide behind carefully chosen words and a smiling face. In the past, even when this nature of me has come through for me to realize, I often disguised it as something less as a means to avoid it. Specifically, although (at the time) I did not put to words my starting point of replying to the store clerk's words, I now see that deep down inside I reacted as insulted, and somewhere within and as me I designed my words to antagonize in vengeance to cause her to react in anger, and perhaps this is what I was curious about, my behavior, not hers.

Pushing through the void that I created to avoid taking responsibility my reactions, I now see the point of me that knew exactly what I was doing with my words, antagonizing her in revenge for my experience of being insulted. Interestingly, on surface of my words, they would have looked and sounded harmless most observers; yet somewhere within and as them (unbeknownst even to a part of me) was my intent to cause a reaction, cause harm. I guess that this reaction was of the nature of my being, and now I understand what someone once said to me when he said I was speaking with a forked tongue.

So hear I am: from the point of defining myself as the victim for being insulted and discriminated against to that of me realizing myself as the antagonist seeking revenge because I had blamed another my own reactions. I now see, realize and understand that in not taking complete self-honest responsibility for me, I had accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and the other.

Yes, I have been curious as to what ever happened to my favorite personality, the one I call militarized, the one that I have been decommissioning ever so slowly, the one that a part of me still fears to let go of, inferiority.

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react to the store clerk's words (energetically defining them within and as me as being discriminating and insulting) instead of immediately realizing that her words and actions were/are100% of her and did not belong to me.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to negatively charge the store clerk's words, defining them within and as me as being insulted and projecting the blame onto the store clerk instead of me remaining stable, undefined by another person's words so to (in seeing and realizing the emotional distress of another) assist and support the other as best I am able, even if that means simply walking away.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quietly sit by while another/others speak in humorous discrimination of another/others behind their backs.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that discrimination in any form – even when spoken in the tone of humor, just having a good laugh – is not supportive to anyone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sitting by with “they're just having a laugh” instead of standing up and walking away or at least attempting to explain why we should all never discriminate against one another.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – in standing up for myself and not another/others – in effect value myself above the others as though I were better. I now see, realize and understand I am no better than that which I accept and allow in relation with others.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and insist upon being treated with respect while not insisting upon it for another/others/all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me within and as charged definitions of words amounting to experiences of me defining myself as being respected and disrespected instead of letting go of the polarized definitions of respect/disrespect so to take complete responsibility for me so to no longer charge myself with energetic definitions of words.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granite society's perception of me instead of fully realizing that as I could be in the shoes of anyone else, I/we require to completely eliminate all forms of discrimination.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that others view me as good, honest, humble and kind.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid completely writing out in detail this part of me, the nature of my being, that viewpoint/perspective that relishes being unjustly attacked so to justify attacking another/others.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this part of my being as cold-hardhearted and evil instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this point of me as being in fear being harmed by another.
• When and as I find myself at the point of defining and/or experiencing me as being discriminated against and/or insulted, I commit myself to immediately stop, breathe and let go of my self-definitions of discrimination and insult in relation to another/others so to in that moment take full responsibility for determining the best outcome and directing me and the situation to that point in consideration of what is best for all involved.
• When and as I find myself at the point of seeing/hearing words and/or actions that I have defined as insulting, I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the energetic definitions that I have attached to words, and stabilize me internally and externally so to not be move by the words and actions of another.
• When/as/if I find myself negatively defining another person's words as insulting, discriminating, ridiculous and so on, I commit myself to immediately stop defining, stop charging another person's words within and as me so I see and hear that person without interpretations of my self definitions.
• When and as I find myself positively defining another person's words as complementing to me, I commit myself to immediately stop defining, stop charging another person's words within and as me so to see and hear that person without interpretations of my self-definitions of him/her/them.
• When and as I find myself at the point of sitting by while another/others have a laugh in discrimination of another/others, I commit myself to assist and support all involved to realize that, as the words we create are our own, that which we project onto another/others is in reality just projections of ourselves.
• When and as I find myself at the point of attacking or considering how to attack another, I commit myself to stop, breathe and redirect my will to a solution that does not include retribution.
• When and as I find myself at the point of avoiding these that I call the worst points of me, I commit myself to sit down and write the void out of me, replacing it with integrity, word by word.