Recently I have been looking at points where I wonder who, what, where, why and/or how another or others view me and/or do something or do not do something in relation to me. This mental activity, when I imagine the origin and path of progress that the happenings take, is what I am calling my triangle of self-manipulation.
I realize that, it is manipulation and that; I am in the process of manipulating myself as soon as I imagine the relationship lines moving around “out there” and eventually heading for me. This has been one of the most difficult points for me to comprehend; that, nothing of what I perceive comes from “out there,” winding its way from this point to that until it arrives at me. Instead, everything that I imagine, perceive, consider, define, judge, believe, hope, feel, experience, dislike, like, desire, want, need, etc., all begin from within and as me. This way of looking at everything and I mean everything is necessary for me in order avoid stepping on one of my own mind-traps and looking out there for answers to questions that begin within and as me. I realize that, this may seem someone harsh. However, when one is dealing with myself, face to face inside of me, a point of certainty is only possible at the point wherein I bring all points of possibility and/or probability back to me to take responsibility for everything I perceive.
Here is why it is so necessary for me to bring all points of everything back to me. For about eight years now, I have been working on stopping thoughts and stopping my participation in the mind. I have been successful (or at least, I thought I was successful) in some areas of slowing down and stopping some mental experiences. However, I have often wondered why I just did not seem to change within and as certain points. Then, I considered what some beings seemed to be communicating about how a person sometimes went into silent mode when they were attempting to assist him. Once again, I brought this point back to me to see if I could use it to assist myself. Sure enough, when I looked at what I often do in relation to looking into me, I suddenly realized that I often go quiet/blank.
Herein I asked how I am supposed to tell the difference between going silent/quiet as a physical movement of life, and going silent and quiet as a mine-trap of imagination. I was immediately able to answer this. Because, when I look at all the times (I have been deceiving myself and perhaps others), the first point I notice is the pressure at the top of my forehead as though something is being pushed down. That something that is being pushed down within my physical body is, I guess the beingness of me being suppressed by myself, the mind of the physical body, hence the pressure of suppression.
It was also quite easy for me to look back to realize how I arrived at a state wherein I as being could so easily be suppressed by myself as mind. I all began in 2009 while I was practicing stopping myself as mind. It seemed almost an impossible task; however, I found that if I applied enough pressure, I could stop the thoughts swirling around and around inside of me. What I did not realize though, was that, I was teaching myself which was learning how to use manipulation against me so as to make it appear the mind had stopped, when in reality, all I had done was create an energetic space imagined as emptiness, while I as mind burrowed deeper into and as the physical body to continue functioning on depths of which I was unaware. This where I now am – just beginning to notice the constant pressure at the top of my forehead, pushing downwards in effort to suppress a part of me that is determined to surface.